chaos theory | a spencer reid fanfiction

twenty.

You stood there, almost unable to move.

"Wh-What?" You needed to hear it again, to be sure. You needed to figure out if your ears were playing tricks on you or not.
"I am completely, utterly, and hopelessly, in love with you."

Yep. You heard it right. And you didn't know whether to be happy or completely furious.

Of course, you thought you should be happy. The man you'd been in love with for months finally said it back, finally telling you how he felt. You should be completely ecstatic. And maybe you would have been, if it weren't for Elliot.
You had a boyfriend, you had to remember that. You had a boyfriend who loved you and who you loved. You had a boyfriend who went out of his way to talk to you at a coffee shop, bought you expensive jewelry, took you out to fancy restaurants. You had a boyfriend you couldn't just leave for another guy who suddenly proclaimed his interest. You couldn't leave someone who loved you for some other guy. Cause he did love you, right?

There was so much inside you that screamed no, but more inside you that screamed yes. He loved you, or he would have broken up with you. You kept saying that to yourself.
He loves me. He loves me. He loves me.
But pretty soon you forgot which guy you were talking about.

Spencer just stood there while he tried to gauge your reaction. He panicked when you stood there without a word, not saying anything or even moving. You just stood with a blank expression, emotions unreadable. He finally decided he should explain himself, try to convince you that he was the better option.

"Before you say anything, please, just let me explain." He reached for your hand but you pulled it away, making his face contort in confusion. This wasn't good. "I have loved you practically since you joined the BAU. I never understood how you could be so smiley and happy and laughs after all you've seen, but you always manage to light up a room. Whenever you smile, I smile. Whenever you get sad, I get sad too. That night I brought you back here when you were drunk, I couldn't stop thinking about how beautiful you were. I know it might sound creepy, but after you fell asleep I couldn't help but look at you. And then you told me everything about your ex and I..." He took a breath, finally meeting your eyes. "I realized how much I wanted to make you feel safe. How much I wanted to show you how you should be treated. How much I loved you."

Your heart swelled. Hearing the words you so desperately wanted to hear for so long come from his mouth felt magical, almost unreal. But then it hit you. He only confessed after you go with someone new. After you tried to be happy. After you finally showed you were over him. He only wanted you after you'd moved on.

And you were furious.

"Y/N, say something. Please."

You didn't. You didn't say anything.

You just smacked him.
Before you even knew what you were doing, your hand connected with his cheek, leaving a large red handprint as he grabbed it. He just looked at you with a mix of hurt and confusion in his eyes.

"What the fuck, Reid!?" He jumped. You never called him by his last name, ever. Even when you were mad at him. "You think you can just call me over here and tell me that? That you tell me that you love me and all of a sudden I'll come running back into your arms? How desperate do you think I am?!" You screamed so loud the sound echoed off of the walls, mixing with the police sirens that came through the open window.
"Y/N, I-"
"NO! YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP!" You pointed your finger at him, steam practically billowing from your ears. "I can't believe this. I can't FUCKING believe it!" His eyes widened as your voice got louder, watching as they started to water. Wait, what was going on?

He opened his mouth to speak again but didn't.

"You are unbelievable, you know that?" You turned your back towards him, fists clenched together. "Completely unbelievable. You are just like everyone else, you know that?" When you turned back around, you had tear tracks running down your face. "I was moving on from you. I had come to terms with the fact that you didn't love me back. I was finally happy again with someone new. And you had to just destroy that! For no good reason!" You shoved him backwards, his body stumbling a bit. "I was finally happy again! You just couldn't handle the fact that I actually moved on from you!"
"No, I can't handle seeing you with a guy who won't treat you right!"
"He...He treats me right!"

You paused, and he noticed it. He didn't say anything but he noticed it.

"No he doesn't! And you know it! I'm tired of seeing you check your phone every 5 minutes because you're waiting for him to call! I'm tired of hearing you cry in your sleep on the jet because you think he's with some other woman! And I am so damn tired of watching him flirt with other girls when you are right there, because you don't deserve that!"
"I can't just break up with him because you have a little profiler hunch. He loves me, so you're wrong."
"When was the last time he said it, huh? When was the last time he told you he loved you?"
"Last night."
"And what were you doing last night, huh? Were you cuddling on the couch or was he using you to make himself feel good?"
"That is none of your damn business."
"Like hell it isn't! He is using you, why can't you see that!"
"HE IS ALL I HAVE!" You breathed out heavily, chest heaving while your face became drenched with tears.

"What?"
"Elliot is all I have left." Your voice was quiet. "I know he doesn't treat me right, but I just do not care. He is there. You weren't. And it doesn't matter if you are now, because to you I am just there. I am someone who is here for you to latch onto because you feel alone. I'm sorry Spencer, but at least Elliot is with me because he wants to be, not because he's lonely." You turned around, grabbing your purse and walking out the door.

Spencer just stood there, staring at the wall.
He is all I have.
You were with a guy who was terrible to you simply because you didn't want to be alone. Fuck, this was so bad.

Spencer's escalation into madness was slow from that moment. First he started to mess with his clothes, then his hands. Then he started pulling his hair out by the root, then he started rubbing his eyes. Next thing he knew almost every book was off the shelf and on the floor, a broken lamp next to the couch, a ripped poster on the floor. A broken vase on the tile of the kitchen. He tried to pick it up but it cut his hand.

You walked down the dark night street sobbing, trying to hurry up and get down to the metro station. You noticed that the sidewalk was under construction where you had to go, so you turned down a narrow and darkened alleyway, only illuminated by a few neon lights on the other end. You clutched your purse to your chest and kept walking.

Something heavy hit the back of your head, sending you sprawling to the ground with a yelp. You felt the glass of a broken beer bottle on your palm, then the sting of a freshly put out cigarette burning through your jeans. You couldn't see anything, just a shadowy figure standing over you with what looked to be a baseball bat or a lead pipe. He laughed, a sickening laugh that made your stomach churn and your eyes widen.

"No." He laughed again, bending down. You still couldn't see his face due to the hood of his hoodie he wore as cover.
"Gotcha." You were knocked unconscious as his boot came down on your head.