Overthinking

"You're overthinking this."

"I am not overthinking this. You just don't seem to have the empathy to understand."

"Nick, I do want to understand. I just can't put my head around the fact that you worry about everything all the time. Why are you doing this? Why can't you just stop? I mean, it must be exhausting to be thinking so much all the time. You'd be better off if you could chill more."

Nick took a deep breath. Why was this so hard? He was so tired of these conversations. He had been dating Alexa for four months now. During the first two months, their relationship had been all sunshine and roses because Nick had been able to hide his anxiety from her. But now, the butterflies were starting to fade and his true colors were showing. He was so afraid that she wouldn't like him anymore if she found out. That's what it had been like with his previous girlfriends. They couldn't understand how a man could have anxiety. Worrying was such a female thing to do. Nick took a deep breath again. This was it. He had to tell her about it. At this point, it was like a one-way street. He didn't have any options. The only way was to tell her and wait for her reaction.

"Alexa, I...I understand that you expected me to be different. Men are supposed to be strong and make you feel secure, not worry about things that aren't even there. I just-..."

"No, that's actually not what I was thinking. That whole concept is stupid. That women are supposed to be like x and men are supposed to be like y. The media wants you to think that, but it couldn't be further from the truth. You not fitting into some type of box is not a problem for me. I don't care about those boxes. I care about you, Nick. I really like you and I want to understand what's going on with you", Alexa said softly, reaching for his hand across her kitchen table. Nick wondered how someone could have such a pure heart. How was she even real and how did she even like him?

"Well, I wasn't expecting that. So I guess...you just have to know that I think. A lot. I think and worry about everything. I worry about what others think of me. I worry that somebody I love dies in a car crash. I worry that I have some kind of deadly disease. I worry about not fitting in. I worry about unsolved problems. I worry about a stupid thing I said back in high school 8 years ago. I worry that I will never find a good job. I worry about missing out on things. I worry that I will never find love. I worry about climate change. I worry about the fact that I worry so much", Nick replied, his heart beating faster and faster. He started to feel very hot. Oh no, he thought, why did I reveal so much? She'll think I'm a nutter now.

"Oh well...that's a lot to worry about. But as I've already said, isn't that super exhausting for you? I mean, if you think that much, you don't have much time for other things. Can't you just stop thinking that much?"

Nick has been asked this question so many times, it's like an "How are you?" to him.

"No, it doesn't work like that. I can't just turn my thoughts on and off whenever I like. I just have to let the thoughts flow because if I don't....well, never mind, that's not important right now." Nick felt frustrated. Nobody ever understood. He pulled away his hand.

"But I have an idea! When I notice that I'm thinking too much, I always go for a run and it clears my head immediately. You should try that too! And I always make sure to eat healthy. I read that eating a lot of fruits and veggies helps your brain", Alexa said excitedly.

"No, that's not it. I know you mean well, but that won't help me. It's more complicated than that. I can't solve this with a 5-mile run and a smoothie."

"Why not? I don't understand."

"That would only make me feel better for a short amount of time. After a few hours, the thoughts would slowly creep in again. That wouldn't help me in the long run." Nick tried to hide it, but he was to over this conversation. Alexa was just like everyone else.

"Well then I guess you should just suppress those thoughts. If they come no matter what, then there's no other way. You just suppress them and they will disappear completely if you give it some time", Alexa said as if she just easily solved a simple maths problem.

"No. This isn't working. I thought you would get it, but I guess you don't."

"What is it? Please just tell me. I want to help you."

„Alexa, I'm not overthinking. I have anxiety. I have no other type of thinking available."