My Monster, The Darkness | By: Evelyn Smith

My Monster, The Darkness

   I lurched upwards with a shuddering gasp. With a well-rehearsed ease my hands maneuvered to their usual positions, my left hand nestled comfortably above my thundering heart, whilst my right hand tousled itself into the mess of hair atop my head. Blinking away the tears that had begun to mist my eyes, I shifted my bleary gaze to the dim glow of the clock perched beside me. The digits 4:16 impishly reciprocated my stare. Perturbed, I sagged back into the bed slightly. My mind felt jumbled and my body sluggish, but at the same time my thoughts seemed unhindered and my muscles were coiled tightly. Reeling with apprehension I still allowed my eyes to flutter shut, I found myself probing my memory to find what had roused me from my slumber in the first place. After a few moments I managed to fully recall the dream that had distressed me so. A whimper escaped my throat as I recognized the recurring dream, involuntarily I had already delved into the subconscious memory.

   Opening my eyes I found myself staring at a foggy mirror in a familiar bathroom. Compelled by some outside force my body moved on its own accord, balancing on the tips of my toes I had begun to lean forward. Jarringly a more petite hand than I remembered pressed against the damp surface of the mirror with a small hand cloth, before swiping madly in a zigzag pattern. In an instant my heart swelled with terror and screeched to a complete halt, the face in the reflection was indeed mine. Except I was now 9 years old again. My face broke out into an exhilarated smile, one I hadn’t made since I was a child, not since this day. I was reliving the day my life had drastically changed, again. I hadn’t dreamt of this memory since the beginning of high school. I was recalling the day my childhood was stolen and hidden away, I was remembering the day the monster came.

   In my mind I was trembling in petrified terror and full-blown panic, but my body was trembling with poorly concealed excitement and elated joy. Once more against my will we got dressed in the outfit my mother and I had hand picked for today. I was screaming hoarsely as my body went through the exact same movements just as I had all those years ago. I knew what was coming, I couldn’t relive it one more time, I had been forced to remember this day every night from the time I was in the fourth grade till freshman year. I was recovering and regaining control of my life, I thought I would finally be able to pursue my dream to be an author. I didn’t want to be consumed by the darkness once more, I’d only just managed to rid myself of all its remnants. By now my body had finished getting ready and was now combing through my waist length thick golden brown hair. As my hands stilled I let my eyes sweep over my young energetic frame, I found myself genuinely surprised. It had been so long since I had been so blissfully unaware of the cruel world I resided in, one I was sheltered from by my attentive and involved parents. All I’d ever cared about then was keeping good grades and enjoying life to fullest I could everyday.

   Before I could recollect and dwell on the subject any further my feet decided now was a good time to carry me to the part of this memory I’d been dreading. I could faintly feel its darkness seep into the living room from experience, this caused my pulse to skyrocket even more and my breathing started to become ragged and erratic. Meanwhile my young body seemed completely unfazed as it marched right into the kitchen and assembled a bowl of cereal before it plopped down unceremoniously on the sofa. As my hands engrossed themselves with shoveling cereal down my gullet whilst flicking through television channels, I scoured every inch of the room with my eyes, trying to spot any detail amiss or out of place in my childhood home.

   Whilst I perused my surroundings to the best of my limited ability I see my brothers shuffle into the living room before plopping down beside me. While my mouth begins to converse animatedly with them I detect movement from the corner of my eye. Using every ounce of willpower I had, I managed to jerkily whip my head in that direction. My eyes locked onto the well known form of my mother perched stock still in the kitchen entryway. My heart sunk low in my stomach, I observed how my mother bore a sorrowful mask upon her face as she ambled into the living room. She immediately locked eyes with me, before flitting them to both of my brothers. I could feel my heart ache as my mother stood sullenly before us, she opened her mouth and delivered news that paralyzed my young self. My grandmother, the one who I loved with every fiber of my being and believed that I was destined for something extraordinary, had passed away. I could feel my mind grow clouded and fuzzy as I let the words seep in once more, my body sunk down into the cushions and felt far more cumbersome than before.