The Demons

Grey

It's not actually grey when I wake up. The sun shines almost harshly through the crack in my curtains. Through it, I can see that there is indeed, hardly a cloud in the sky. I can see a light, baby blue expanse of perfection for miles, only broken by an all-seeing watcher two hands above the horizon. The picture feels simultaneously incongruous and in accordance with my state of being.

I left the window open, so I can still hear the sounds of birds in the birch trees that dot the side of the avenue, cars in the street, people on their way about their lives, even my neighbors dogs playing in their yard. The world outside shrieking a hellish, terrifying form of happiness that encourages me to drive my head under my pillow.

So, I stay in bed. I don't really do anything. I just lay there. There are books next to my bed, but I don't pick it up. I think I go on my phone. If I do, the pages occupying my attention do a horrible job of staying in my memory. I'm not actually sure how long I occupy my bed. It could be thirty minutes, it could be an hour. Their is a great fog in my head that makes me both hyperaware and oblivious to the march of time.

The movies don't do lazy mornings much justice do they? I don't give a heaving sigh when I swing my legs out of my bed, I don't stretch my arms high above me to greet the day. I just shuffle out, barely making a sound. No theatrical expression to my life, no musical or even horrible visual qualities. I'm just there. My physical presence all I am able to maintain within the boundaries of my room.

I gather a few articles of clothing. I need to rearrange my drawers. And probably clean my room. But I know myself well enough to know that today, household tasks and any form of productivity is a pipe dream.

I make my way to the bathroom. Get ready to shower. I don't feel like doing much, but I know that if I don't wash my hair today, my scalp will start to feel itchy, and as much as I hate the grey fog, it is better than the misery that follows when personal hygiene is left unattended. Staring at my reflection in the mirror, I look at myself. I see nothing horrible about myself, but I don't really see anything good either. It's as if today, I merely exist for the purpose of taking up a small amount of space.

After showering, I make my way into the kitchen, only to realize that I don't feel too hungry. Logically, I know that I need to eat something or I'll feel sick later. I also know that if I try to eat something to heavy, I may start gagging. Sighing, I settle on a small thing of yogurt and a coffee.

As I eat at the pace of a snail, I look outside again. Not much registers, but I see it all. A few kids are playing outside, and I can't decide if I envy their happiness, or if I am merely angry at my inability to conjure that feeling. 

Do I cry out for that harsh yellow that I see? It is accessible enough, of course. Unfortunately, while my bathroom mirror didn't feel too unpleasant, I know that if I looked hard enough I would find hundreds of problems with myself. Problems that if I looked at, would push me into the void that is white. That place, a step beyond the grey I find myself in now, that terrifies me. The place lacking in all emotions. At the very least, the grey provides me a gateway to the multiple (albeit dark) colors that black offers. So here, for now, I will stay.

Ahh, I did it again didn't I? I can see through my eyes, I can move my body, but my thoughts have taken me from my own head. It is as if the grey was a cloud, buoying me into a place where I am a stranger looking down at myself. I feel so ridiculous, this has been happening far too often. Shaking my head, I try to leave that space. 

Looking out my kitchen window, I can once again see the lively seen the world outside my house presents. I could go outside. I could play and dance around under the sunlight. I could even invite friends over to play board games. But the sun's rays do not look welcoming and warm to me right now, and my friends all have lives that they are getting on with.

So I will be here, while the world moves along.