When it Heals

Now

India ~

"Can you tell me why?" Her blue eyes full of innocent curiosity. I look past her at the city view, avoiding eye contact with her. Every time I stare into her eyes a tear drops and this time that's not going to happen.

"Why? I don't know if I can tell you why? Why should I? Why should I explain how I feel when everybody's going to tell me how to feel. It seems as if my life is everybody else's but my own... Then they expect me to be happy." I imagine  myself alone in a room with nothing but a mirror, this is the only way I can open up to her without feeling as if I'm being judged.

"Ok then forget everybody else how do YOU feel?"

"Chagrin" The word slipped through my mouth without a second thought or one at all. I wasn't speaking consciously. I was allowing myself to speak freely so I don't end up lying about my feelings or sugar coating them. I wanted to feel every emotion. Numbness was the only emotion I ever seem to feel.

"Elaborate" I feel her eyes try to read me as best as they can.

"Animosity..." I felt was a better word. "I don't love him. Anahi being born changed me not only me but him. He's in love with me and I can't even look at him..." Before she can ask I give her examples. "He buys me the bags, the cars, the clothes, the shoes, and take me to expensive ass islands but I can't stand sleeping next to this man. It took me falling out of love for him to love me."

"What changed?" She places down her pen and notebook, giving me her full attention.

"Me, I've changed."

"How?"

"I've grown."

"Everybody grows" Elizabeth crosses her legs, while taking off her glasses.

"Or they can choose to stay the same. I was seventeen I was bound to grow but he was done growing." She looks down at the notepad in her lap, she picks it back up, writing notes on what I'm saying as if she's in a lecture.

"What kept you with him?"

I take a deep breath, trying to find a single emotion in my body but numbness remains."The immaturity I had. I was just a teenager being rebellious against her strict ass parents. You couldn't tell me shit. Modeling shit like fenty savage, fashion nova, I even stripped for a while so that I can say I have money of my own. I thought I was the shit. My friend at the time and I being too fucking grown thinking we were grown. We looked grown so I couldn't really say shit when people would try and holla at me because I was running around telling everybody I was eighteen." A slight feeling of disgust runs through me. Sometimes I wish I could go back to my younger self and warn her of the years of pain that she will endure for her decisions and actions.

"At the time I only had one boyfriend things didn't work out so life went on. Then I met Ashton, we had an argument the second day we knew each other. I fell in love so quick by the end of the week I had feelings for him. Typical teenage shit, thinking you found the man you will spend your whole life with."

"What about the age difference?" She gives me a worried look. I shake my head to assure her it was consensual. I break eye contact with her so talking can be easier.

"Man the age difference didn't mean shit. It was like since he's older he has to be more mature right? And boy was I wrong. I think about if I just stayed in a child's place my life would be different. As a black woman your already forced to grow up faster than everybody around you but when you do your life hits you. By the middle of the next year, I was shunned by my family, leader of a gang, in a car accident, lost a baby, almost died, been cheated on multiple times, chased by police, betrayed by someone I looked at as a sister, in fights hands and guns, two boyfriends who were gang leaders, a stripper, brought an apartment with the bitch, an active shooter in a drive by and got pregnant again. That's only a summary of the year. So do I love Ashton, Fuck No."