I don't want to be alone

Inspired by the song WHEN I WAS OLDER by Billie.E

You were worried about me, but no more than you just asked me to stop. Like you wanted to help me, but without doing anything. I always asked you not to worry, but really maybe you should have been. Maybe someone should have cared about me more than I did myself. It was too late anyways. Nobody cared anymore.

When I was older, I laid on my back in the shower. The water dripped lightly but deafeningly on the skin. So burning and embracing. Like a mother's arms when you were small and scared. I froze anyway. The cold that lives in the whole body. So that the heart's beat is wrong. I don't remember how I came here. I don't remember how I managed. I always tested how far my back could bend, how far down I could go before it broke. Then bend it again. That's all I do. What you're asking me to stop.

But right now I was sitting next to the edge of the bed with my knees against my chest to stay warm better. My toes were almost purple from the cold and my hands were stiff and shaking a little. My skin was paler than it should ever be. White as lime. The phone was charging next to me and as usual it had been quiet for a long time. I think at-least. Not even you had texted. You always wrote to me in the evening. Especially a boring night like this. I could barely see. The world was so turbid through my tired eyes. As if I saw everything from below the surface of a lake. The headache made it difficult for me to stand or breathe. Three days of drinking bottle after bottle locked in my room had put me here again. Where I feel so empty. Empty of what everyone else seemed to have. I hated it. The taste and smell of alcohol. The feeling of swallowing pills. The way the body resisted but became addicted. How I became addicted. But it was so wonderful to get out of here. To be able to swim in my lake. The only perception of time I have was reading the numbers on the screen that burned in my eyes. It was the time of night when the whole city was quiet. Only the moon and I looked at each other in longing. Everything felt so timeless and deserted when everyone except me was asleep. No one was out on the streets now, especially not here in Solna. But couldn't you text anyways?

It's so cold and I do not want to be alone, please answer. Where did you go? I had sent you so many messages. I read them over and over, almost unable to focus on anything else. Sat wet and frozen in the shower now. Was so cold that I almost did not feel my white limbs. It dripped from me down on the tile. The sound was fair to hear but kept me awake enough so it would not go out again. But what did I really know?
''Took weed I think. '' Read. Why are not you answering? My pupils are small in the pictures I just took. So it was probably not weed. It was something else that I took, but I don't know what. Opiates? There's something wrong. On me. In me. Think it's my liver. What does it matter? Marks on my ugly legs, arms and breasts are starting to form. Blue, tender and deformed marks.
''If I die, greet my parents that I hate them, '' Today at 4:33 FM. I sent you pictures of the bruises. So you could see how bad it was. So you may have understood that I needed the help you didn't give.

I was afraid to leave you. Afraid to disappear. A coward before death. To never open my eyes and see the world again. I think this will be the last night my back breaks. That time I wouldn't be able to do more. The night it would rest. That it might be true scared me and all thoughts asked for help. To just pick up the phone again and call you. Ask you for help. Survive. But I was so hot on the cold tiled floor. A warmth I have never experienced before. It was so cozy to hold myself. Like getting a warm blanket on when you are half asleep on the couch. Could not resist releasing the eyelids that so persuasively wanted to close. Or to fall asleep. Fall asleep on that sofa with the blanket that stood at the bottom of the lake. I knew it was wrong. Should stay awake. But something persuaded me not to. The whispers in my empty to get out of here. To just let it go. Like I gave up. You didn't care anyway. Why should I then?

M.