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This irked me because this is the incorrect way to write dialogues and the use of dialogue tags. Dialogues should come like this:
"Come now, it's not polite to leave without saying goodbye," he whispered.
or
"Come now, it's not polite to leave without saying goodbye." His whisper trickled in her ears.
I suggest you learn on the proper use of dialogue tags and how to write dialogue in prose.
Also, the monologues are in inconsistent formatting as well. You use the format of your dialogues at times:
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which is not good. Be consistent with the format so it wouldn't ruin the aesthetic of your book and it will look clean. The standard for monologues is simply italics.
Writing style: It gets a little complex here. Now, I like how in the beginning I can see a lot of your talent with your descriptions, even in the opening when you describe Seokjin cooking eggs for breakfast. The vivid imagery does add to the cinematic experience of the story which is nice and helps the reader a lot with their imagination. But gradually, I feel like it starts to fade with each chapter as the descriptions become inconsistent and at times, unnecessary. You tend to describe scenes that don't add to the plot or are just mundane everyday things that slow down the story a lot. And you lack description at times where there should be a description to help the reader.
And also the book is very heavy with dialogues, sometimes it feels like I'm reading text messages because the dialogues are simply there with little context or little description, like what did he do when he said x, y, and z? describe and show more about what's happening between the characters. And lastly in the topic of your description, sometimes you use terms that are a mouthful and cut the flow of your story due to the complexity. I get that you use synonyms are different vocabulary to elevate the story, but there should be a limit to use complex words that may or may not fit in your story. Ex. "locomoting form" and " angel-hands-caressed-facial features" <these are so wordy and complex and as mentioned above, just cut the flow of your story a lot.
The last thing I want to talk about in your writing style is your 3rd person pov narration. I feel it sounds a little immature and doesn't seem unbiased at times. There are times where it sounds awkward and doesn't flow well with the rhythm of your story: Ex. "Seokjin wanted to buy all them burgers and milkshakes and stuff..." Usually, a good 3rd person pov stays constant and doesn't feel like an extension of a character or is infused with their personality. Also, I've noticed you use a lot of unnecessary parentheses. It takes so much from the story and it stops the flow of words and paragraphs. The parentheses are quite jarring and it takes away the prose element of the story. Take them out and find ways to remove them.
Sentence structure: There is a variety in your sentence structure, which is good. Though there are times when your sentences can seem awkward or lack something. And I guess I would just like to see more descriptions as the story progresses so it would be easier to review the book in this category.
The pace of the story: It's too slow, and even for your story that has considerably lengthy chapters. May I ask by the way how much is the average word count per chapter? Sometimes I feel like I'm reading a 4k word count and you'd expect a lot of plot development within those 4k words, but the'res not much except the routine everyday things with Seokjin waking up, going to school, the three guys chitchatting with each other and eating food. Another reason why the pace is quite slow is because of the unnecessary scenes that don't add to the plot. This goes hand in hand with your inconsistent description wherein you describe things that don't need to be described and leave out parts that should be otherwise. An example is waking up and going on the bus don't add much to the plot. It's just... part of Seokjin's everyday routine. You don't need to show this, it doesn't add anything and just makes the chapter painfully drag out and mundane. The little things aren't that fun to read, and more so if you gloss over them with too much detail. It slows down the plot of your book and can bore your readers. It would be like if you read a book wherein each chapter the author describes the protagonist taking a shower, eating breakfast, walking to school, and walking down the halls to the classroom. Ask yourself, is this essential to the plot? Will this scene build towards the plot? If yes, add it in, if not, scrap it out.
World-building: I think you did average on the world-building. Though I feel as though you could probably do more to elevate the setting and really show the different culture in Korea and the setting as well apart from the nice foods they are eating, you can add bits here of their culture outside of food and more on their social behaviors around people.
Bonus: Sometimes there conversations are fun and enjoyable, that's one thing I like at times, but they're banter can sometimes get a little exhausting. But this is your first book I guess, and I'll say it's not bad at all. I think it's decent and there were times where I was indeed, impressed with your use of vivid imagery and figurative language. And things do seem realistic at times, unlike other stories I come across WP that feel like a fever dream. This was good, keep it up and you'll improve naturally, I'm sure of it.
