Growing up McGarrett

Realisation

A couple of hours had passed with no one coming near me. There was constant noise of busyness from the bull pen. I decided to block it out and watch stuff. I still couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong and they were all lying to me. The longer it went the more convinced I was that my dad was dead and I became angrier at the injustice of it. I'm done with waiting. I wrench open the door and stomp out to the bullpen ready to wage war, but it's empty. The screen is idling with a screensaver on it, I touch the table to wake it up, part of me terrified of what I'll see, but a login comes up and of course I don't know the password. Where is everyone? Then I hear raised voices coming from Danny's office, I creep closer straining my ears to hear what's going on. It's Danny and Joe arguing about something and it sounds like it's about me.
Danny - "Joe quit arguing with me about this, you don't run this show and I don't answer to you".
Joe - "No you answer to Steve and he needs you to look after his kid!"
Danny sounding angry and scared - "He's my partner, surely you get what that means? I HAVE to go".
Joe sighs and speaks more softly, all I pick up is something about leaving 3 orphans. I stifle a gasp and move quickly back to my dad's office.

Inside the door I slip to the floor my head reeling and my stomach churning, he's dead, I know it now, my dad is gone and I guess Danny is my guardian. But by the sounds of it he doesn't really want me either. I close my eyes as the tears flow from them and I whisper to the universe I'm sorry Daddy, I really did love you. Then my adrenaline spikes again and my sadness changes to anger, fuck him, I'm not sorry, he left without a thought for me and got himself killed. Well finally I'm free of his rules and regulations! I can do what I want, when I want. Danny won't dare to say anything to me now that I'm poor orphan Sam! Fuck him, fuck the whole lot of them! Another surge of sadness hits me with such force that my stomach heaves, I lurch towards the bin and empty the contents into it until there's nothing left. I hear the door open and suddenly feel Danny holding me asking me if I'm ok, how long had I felt sick, blah blah, I tune him out and feel suddenly exhausted so I let myself go limp in his arms. He gathers me up saying something about taking me home. Home, where is that now? Is it still the beach house or will I be moving in with Danny? I like the beach house but I guess there isn't really room there for Grace and Charlie. Oh wow I've got siblings now. Do I want siblings? All the thoughts are making my head hurt. Danny is still talking while strapping me into his car but I just close my eyes and let the heaviness take me.

When I wake up I'm lying on a couch with a blanket over me. I hear a beep and realise there's something being stuck in my ear! I sit up suddenly and hit it away.
Danny - "Sam I just need to take your temperature, sit still".
He tries to put the thermometer in my ear again and again I hit him away telling him to leave me alone and fixing him with a deadly stare. He runs his hand through his hair exasperated.
Danny - "SAM!"
Me - "What?! I'm fine I just want to be left alone!"
I get up and head towards the stairs leaving a very confused man watching me.
Danny - "OK you get some rest and I'll check on you later".
Me - "Don't bother!"

I know he's just trying to look after me but I can't shake the fact that he still hasn't told me what's going on. How long do they all think they can keep this from me? Will they even tell me before the funeral?! My phone starts to buzz in my bag. Looking at it I see a load of missed calls and texts from Kimmy. Of course, the party is tonight! Can it really still be the same day? I feel numb, like I watching myself go through the motions. Kimmy's texts had becoming increasingly urgent. I better call her back before she bursts.
Kimmy, answering her phone on the second ring, - "Where the hell have you been? I thought you'd got grounded or something! Why didn't you answer me?!" She was pretty het up.
Me - "Hey ok calm the fuck down!"
Kimmy - "Don't tell me to calm the fuck down, you persuaded me into this thing and then you go MIA! What the FUCK?!"
I don't respond. She's right I persuaded her to do this and now she had a lot more to lose than me. I mean it wasn't like I was going to get into trouble with my parents was it?!
Kimmy - "Sam? You there?"
Me quietly - "Yeah, sorry I just spaced out. I'm sorry about the radio silence, I was at the Palace all day and couldn't get away from Danny until now." I lied so easily now.
Kimmy's tone changed, she sounded concerned - "Hey are you ok?"
Me - "Sure why?"
Kimmy - "You sound, I dunno, strange?"
I shake myself out of this autopilot funk I've got into. I don't want to tell her about my dad. I might as well have one fun night before it all went to shit. Get a grip Sam, you're supposed to be pumped for a party.
Me falsely perking up my voice - "Yeah, sorry, I think I'm just tired from listening to Danny all day. You know what he's like!"
Kimmy - "Yeah he'd give anyone a headache!"
Hey that's my new dad you're talking about, I thought to myself. My new dad, shit!
Me - "Look I'm gonna take a nap for a while, I'll see you as planned later. It's gonna be epic!" I put as much enthusiasm into it as I could muster.
Kimmy - "OK see you later." She didn't sound convinced.

I lay on my bed and set an alarm to make sure I woke later. But I couldn't sleep. My mind kept going on the rollercoaster of anger, guilt, disbelief, fear, sadness and back to anger. The warring Sams in my head were having a super battle. Devil Sam telling me to screw the lot of them, go to the party and forget about it all. Good Sam reminding me that the last words I said to my dad were that I hated him and by going to this party I was disrespecting his memory. I wanted them both to shut up. I wanted to not think about anything. I kept trying to fall asleep but they were having none of it. I heard Danny's footsteps coming up the stairs so I dashed into my bathroom and turned on the shower. Not getting an answer to his knock he came into my room. Then he knocked on the bathroom door.
Danny - "Hey Sam how are you feeling?"
OK Sam you've got to pitch this right, remember he's a detective and a dad and he's currently hyper vigilant about you. Get this wrong and there's no way you're getting out tonight. Put his mind at ease.
I smiled into the mirror knowing you can hear a smile.
Me - "I feel good Uncle Danny, I think I was just overtired or maybe I ate something dodgy. My tummy's good now though, in fact I'm hungry! Could you make me something while I shower please?"
I hear a relieved sigh on the other side of the door.
Danny - "Sure thing kiddo, glad to hear you're feeling better. How about I make your favourite, Mac and cheese?"
My stomach churns at the thought of eating but I know I have to convince him if I'm to make sure he's not checking on me all night.
Me, turning on the smile again, - "That would be great Danno thank you".
I hear him leave the room and I step into the shower, sliding down and letting the warm water wash the new stream of tears down my face. I was still in my clothes, not having the mental or physical energy to take them off. I let the water wash over me and finally my head started to quieten down. Pulling my sodden clothes off, I turned the heat up as much as I can bear and imagined it melting my skin, fat, muscles and bones until all of me had slipped down the drain and ultimately out to the ocean.

Suddenly devil Sam was back, slyly grinning from ear to ear. Get up, you've got a party to go to. You know what they have at senior parties? Alcohol! Alcohol makes you forget your troubles. And you know what could be there? Drugs! You can melt away just like you want to. No one cares Sam! Your dad didn't care, he left, the team don't care enough to tell you the truth and Danny doesn't want to be saddled with another kid. So fuck them all and go to the party! No one answered her. Maybe good Sam was dead too.