The Desires of The Heart

Temporary Bliss

"Hello Darlin'."

My heart leaps in excitement and contentment as he wraps his arms around me and I'm overwhelmed by the scent and feeling of him. I can feel his body relax into mine as well and that reassures me these last few months have been hard on him too.

"Jasper." His name leaves my lips as a sigh of relief. "I'm so glad you're finally here." I say as he tilts my head up, and I smile even more as his lips gently meet mine in a long awaited kiss.

"I'll admit it's nice to be back in Forks. Even for a little while. I've missed you my love." He leans in to kiss me again and I meet him halfway, eager to have his lips on mine again. We stayed in this embrace for a little while before he decided to move us further in the house.

After admitting neither of us had anything planned for our night together, he seemed to had gotten an idea, and without saying much, he entwines our fingers and leads me upstairs to his bedroom. Not gonna lie, there was a ten second window where I didn't know what to expect and was suddenly nervous, but that was before he moved toward his bookshelf and grabbed what seems to be an old, worn journal and he invites me to sit beside him on his bed.

"This is the journal I kept while I was away from you during the war." I feel shock cover my face, not knowing anything about this, and am now curious to hear his thoughts during that time.

"During the times where I couldn't write home, I pretended to write to you here, knowing that somehow you'd be able to hear these things. Whether from me, or when they sent the journal home to you."

"Why would they have sent it to me?" Not quite sure what he meant by this, he gives me a sad smile.

"Had something happened to me during my time in the Confederacy, You were to get my things, especially this journal." This revelation shocked me. This was usually saved for kin, those of his family, and seeing that we weren't married before he left, I wasn't expected to get anything when he didn't return home.

"I know it wasn't traditional, but to me, you were already my kin and deserved to know my thoughts." He gives me a soft kiss on my temple before handing me the journal, and I hold it timidly, not quite sure what to expect before removing the string that holds the pages together.

"Jasper... I don't know what to say, I don't even know where to start." I say, at a loss moving my eyes from the journal to him. He simply smiles, and placing his cool hands over mine, he opens the journal to a couple pages in, no doubt wanting to show me a certain memory.

"Start here, you'll have time to go through all of it later." I look to the page and see his elegant script, my eye catching the date in the corner. 

May 7th, 1862

It's been a year since I decided to leave my beautiful Scarlette. It was the hardest decision I've had to make in this lifetime, but I'm hoping beyond hope that this choice will give us a wonderful and prosperous life together, and my Lottie will have to want for nothing. I want to give her the world, and serving our grand country, will give me the ability to do just that. It's been a tough year, I'll admit. I miss civilian life, I miss seeing Scarlette in the evenings, the sunset drenching her curls in a magnificent rose color, her oceanlike eyes reading everything I feel without having to say them out loud. I cannot wait to make her mine when I get home, and we can finally begin our lives together. There's talk they'll make me Major, and this war may be over soon if we can just hold Virginia, I keep hope for this. I cannot wait to return to Texas. We will be together soon my love.

My heart swells at his sweet words, loving that I finally get to read these words, and am a little glad I didn't get these back then, because it would've been more final than it is now. I smile at him as he brings me in for another kiss before disappearing downstairs, saying he wants to make me hot chocolate as we relive the memories.

While he's downstairs I suddenly feel the need to flip to a different page, skipping many entries as I do so, remembering I need to go back and read those later. I stop on one, noticing his handwriting seems different in this one strained--angry, and I'm curious what will be in it.

        March 25, 1864

I'm a monster. I cannot return home. Maria, she lied to me. Said I would be helpful to her, said I would have honor while working for her. Had I known she would turn me into something--a creature that only thrusts for the death of others...I would've said no, I would've turned her in for being on the camp grounds... I'd be able to go home. To see my Scarlette. And now that dream is gone. This condition I have... I was told it would be a blessing, I could survive the war this way. But now I am a threat to the one I love the most. I can't ever go home. I'm a despicable monster. I don't ever want her to ever see me like this.
I'm sorry my love.

I was shocked to say the least when I found this entry, never really knowing what it was that Jasper had gone through when he never came home, and no doubt what he deals with when these memories return. I feel the echos of pain, anger, betrayal, and loss within this note and it breaks my heart all over again. I look up to see him come back into the room with a mug of warmth, but it seems he senses my emotions and looks to me, the slight despair overcasting the joy that was in his eyes just moments ago.

"Which entry did you find?" He simply asks, almost like he knows already and he sets the mug down, before taking his place next to me.

"March 25, 1864." I watch as the dark cloud passes his eyes, and my heart aches at the look.

"Ah.. I was in a very dark spot that year. I wasn't able to go home to you. I thrusted for the blood of those around me. And I could feel the torment and anguish of those we tortured and killed for Maria's gain." I grab on of his cool hands in comfort, knowing that just had to be awful, but also makes me beg the question.

"Who was—er is Maria?" He sighs deeply, smoothing the skin on my hand as he begins to tell mostly a difficult story.

"She was a vampire that somehow stumbled upon our battalion, looking for new "soldiers" to do her bidding. Which was to create her own army, and wage war on the human race. She told me she had the ability to guarantee my safety in the war, that I wouldn't be hurt, and at the time I wanted to do all I could in order to go home to you so I thought it was a good idea... I quickly found out this was a lie, and the fact I was turned into something that longed for human blood, and could feel the pain of those I killed. Realizing this, I knew I couldn't come home. I didn't want you to see what I had become, and I didn't want to run the risk of hurting you." 

He says solemnly, and I'm shocked to say the least. I had wondered how he had gained his immortality, but I didn't realize he was so close to coming home when this happened and how much he had detested the very thing he became. My shock wears off, and I grasp his cool hand in my own drawing comforting circles on his skin, giving him a soft smile.

"I was able to leave her grasp in the early nineteen hundreds, and of course at that time I couldn't find you by then so I decided to travel--trying to forget the life I was conned out of until 1948 when Alice actually found me and informed me she had seen us reuniting at some point in time." I smile at the knowledge that Alice had seen this moment over seventy years ago, and that encourages me and lets me know that this is exactly where I'm supposed to be, this is exactly how my life is supposed to be.

*I am so sorry, this is so late! I hope you have enjoyed it though! I'm really enjoying their love story and how it's progressing! Question! How many of you would be interested in following an instagram account where I can update you all on when updates will be and maybe even character intros??

Thanks for reading guys! I love you all! xx