Calm [H.S]

Chapter 9: Lights Up

    "What do you mean? I'm sorry by the way. Never going back now. Be so sweet if things just stayed the same. All the lights couldn't put out the dark. Runnin' through my heart. Lights up and they know who you are. Know who you are. Do you know who you are?"

    "And then we can put some other vocals and stuff in there," I say and Mitch's eyes widen.

    "Holy shit, Harry. What did they do to you in Italy?" he says.

"They did nothing, I did something for myself," I state.

    "You seem happier. Where is Harry? What did you do to him?" he jokes.

    "It's not that I'm happier it's just that I've accepted everything that has happened and I'm going to try and put it behind me," he says.

    "By everything do you mean Leah?" he asks. I was hoping he wouldn't ask that question. "You haven't given up on you guys have you?"

    "I have Mitch, I'm not trying to forget her but it's also not healthy for me to sit here and dwell on something that probably isn't going to happen. I love her but she won't even answer my texts or phone calls," I explain.

    "So what does that mean? You're going to move on?" he asks and I turn around so my back is facing him, putting my guitar into its case.

    "Not right now. I don't think I'm ready for that. I just want to finish this album and go from there," I say and he shakes his head.

    "I don't think you should give up on her Harry, she's going through a lot," he says.

    "I know she is and I'm not giving up on her. I just don't want to sit here waiting for something that's never going to happen," I say.

    "It sounds like your giving up on her," he says and my blood boils. I turn around to look at him.

    "I'm not giving up on her Mitch! I will never give up on her! I think she has given up on me," I shout. "I'm sorry for yelling. I didn't mean to."

    "No, it was my fault. I dug too far," he says.

    "No, I'm just trying to figure everything out," I say.

"Harry, stop. You have every right to yell. You didn't have to come back from Italy and act like everything was okay," he says.

    "I know but I wanted everything to be okay and I shouldn't yell, not at you. You did nothing wrong. I'm just mad at myself. But I think moving on is what's best," I say.

    "If that's what you think is right I'll back you one hundred percent but you have to remember what you are leaving on the table," he says and I clearly know what I am leaving on the table.

    "I know what I'm leaving on the table, the best thing that's ever happened to me," I say.

    "So what's the next move?" he asks.

    "I don't know, I want to announce the break up and I don't at the same time. If I do there is a chance that people are going to get mad at her because they think she hurt me in some way but if we don't and she goes on a date or something they are going to think she is cheating on me. I hate that I have to think about that but either way it's a lose lose. I don't want to hold her back," I explain and he nods.

    "I think you should sleep on it or even try to get a hold of Leah or at least Olive," he says and I nod.

    "Alright Mitchell, I'm going to get going. Thanks for today," I say.

    "That's what I get paid for," he jokes.

    I walk out and get into my car. I hit shuffle on the Sunflower playlist and pull out the parking spot. I don't think I'll ever stop listening to this playlist. So many of these songs have special memories that go along with them. Like the song Rhiannon by Fleetwood Mac, that song has been important to the both of us since I came to her apartment that first time. That's when I realized that the girl standing in front of me might understand me. During our fight, when she said I was the darkness, that will forever stick with me. There is no way I am getting that moment out of my mind.

I pull into my garage, get out of the car, and walk into the house. I set my keys down on the kitchen counter and look around. I feel like my house feels different but I think it's just me. I walk over to the freezer and pull out the pizza rolls I had Sarah buy me while she was in America. I put them on a plate and stick them in the microwave. I take them out of the microwave and head down stairs to the basement. I open the door of the movie theater and set my plate down on one of the tables. I pop in the Beauty and the Beast DVD and sit down on the couch. The second the movie pops on the screen I immediately think of her. Of course I do, this is her favorite movie.

    I put her down on the couch of the theatre room. I walk to the front of the room, grab the Beauty and the Beast DVD, and walk over to the DVD player. I know this will help whatever is going on in her head. I put the movie on and go back over to the couch, sitting next to her. I pull her into me, her head laying on my chest and her arm resting across my waist. I run my hand through her hair, trying to relax her brain.

I hear her sniffle and immediately look down at her and notice she's crying.

"Sweetheart, why are you crying?" I ask, quietly.

As upset as she was that day. We made progress that day by telling the truth on her fears about going to Boston. The Leah I know now is much better at talking about things than that Leah was. I stare at the screen in kind of a trance, just thinking about Leah, someone who should be watching this movie with me.