The Cat and the Bullet

Chapter 3

I drag my feet out of bed, pour myself a cup of coffee, and gulp down the steaming dark liquid. Bruce is an idiot. He doesn't know the first thing about having a secret identity. It takes years off my life. He won't know a secret identity if it exploded in his face. Bruce is full of hot air. He needs to learn to buzz off. I'm not the same little kid he used to beat at basketball. I can take care of myself.

I dash through my apartment and run smack into the wall. A crack spreads up all the way to the ceiling. Yikes. I'm glad Bruce wasn't here to see that. After that hiccup, I decide to get dressed the old fashion way. I can't wait to be back to normal. I'm going to be half an hour late to work or longer if my speed is on the fritz.

I quickly pay the cab driver and rush through the revolving doors to the Daily Planet, scanning my watch nervously. "Goddamnit!" I'm late again. It's half past ten, the conference started at nine.

In my defense, I ran into a mailbox on my way here and decided it was safer to go to the more mundane route, which meant I had to wait for a Taxi for thirty minutes, and then it took us almost as long to drive here - a journey that usually only takes me about five seconds. This is so maddeningly unhelpful. Next time there's an existential asteroid plummeting toward Earth, don't ask me for help.

I can't exactly tell Perry the truth. I grab a chocolate donut on my way in, silently thanking the saint who treated the office today. My stomach rumbles in appreciation as I take a bite. I haven't had a chance to eat since breakfast yesterday. This Superman persona is really starting to drag.

"Sorry I'm late," I push the conference room door open, and all four pairs of eyes zero in on yours truly. Lois searches my face questioningly and I wonder if I have a bruise on my face.

"My alarm malfunctioned and I didn't -" But nobody is listening to me. Cat Grant stands before the whiteboard, steeling my thunder; everybody sits in rapt attention as she pitches her story. No doubt Bruce Wayne got himself into deep shit again, sleeping with an ambassador's wife or such nonsense. It won't be the first time or the last. Perry forgets to chew me out for being late. I don't question my luck and take the seat next to Lois, who is slowly reimagining Cat's head on a spike. At least that glare is not aimed at me for once. I shake my head at her and eat the rest of my donut. . .

My gaze zeroes in on an atrocious sight and I spit the donut out and it smacks Lois squarely in the face, splattering chocolate frosting all over her cheek. Lois lets out a cry like a startled goat and elbows me in the side sharply, her eyes daggers, and I wince.

All I see is my face plastered across the whiteboard, my hands entangled in Lana's ebony locks, as she drapes herself over me; her mouth locked on mine. Holy crap. I'm toast. I'm six feet under.

Cat stands before the whiteboard, beaming with self-righteous glee, her mouth moves, but I don't hear any words. It's not what it looks like, I want to protest and bite my tongue. Clark Kent is not kissing Lana Lang. Lana Lang is not kissing Clark Kent. So far as the world is concerned, Andrina, America's favorite pop star sensation, is giving Superman a lap dance. My face burns with embarrassment. That was a private moment! A moment of weakness. No one was supposed to see that, certainly not Lois. It was just two old friends catching up after years apart. Admittedly, we did a little more than just catch up, but no one can know. There hasn't been a scandal this big since Oliver Queen cheated on his fiancé with her sister.

Everyone knows I hate Lex Luthor. No one will believe Lana . . . I mean Andrina came on to me first. It would seem like. . . Superman is trying to spite Lex Luthor. I don't work like that, but no one will believe that after this goes public. If Lex sees that photo, he'll terminate her, and it won't be pretty. I know we have our differences. Lana can be a bit of a power-hungry floozy some days, but I wouldn't wish Lex's wrath on my worst enemy. Oh, wait, except maybe Lex. Though chances of Lex offing himself are quite slim, he's far too in love with himself for that.