Is it bad to want to be first?
The first to know?
The first person told?
The first friend to turn to?
Though I'm not much of a friend
Destructive, angry, childish, hypocrite
But why?
And how do I fix it?
And don't you fucking dare call me a hypocrite for "not solving my problems"
I do
I try
I try so hard
But it's not worth it
I'll always be the one on the outside
I thought we were friends
I thought you fucking cared
But
Would you have said all the same things if you knew I was there?
I try
I try not to be angry
I try not to be sad
I try to be a good friend
But one mistake
And it blows up in my fucking face
And I'm sorry I never get any of your jokes and I'm sorry I talk too much and I'm sorry I'm a shit friend
But I'm not sorry for trying
I am always angry
And I do control my emotions most of the time
Otherwise I wouldn't lasted a fucking WEEK
But months
MONTHS
Of trying to be kind to be good to be your fucking friend
And somehow
I always manage to just sit on the outside
I watch as they grow closer
I don't get to have that!
I don't get it , okay!?
You will always be first, the first to be told to be fucking trusted
But I'm always last
Is it me? What did I do wrong?
Is there a way to fix it?
Or am I just as fucking bad as everyone thinks?
