Warmth

The need to be held

Growing up Cecilia didn't have much structure. Her father was never made to raise children, he was constantly running in with the law and loathed coming home to his family. She was raised by her mother, who never really had rules or time to be home while she was working to give her the opportunities she deserved. Cecilia was raised by her babysitters, and well the media, a childhood without structure. She had a loving mother yet, she felt like she was being fostered, by her inappropriate internet searches and mischievous friends. She didn't have that much money, yet her mother would never make that known. A private school education, privacy and freedom was not the recipe for success.

Her mother did everything she thought was best for her, but parents too make mistakes. Cecilia would beg for chores and sanctions when she did wrong but never got them. She was often called spoiled for her tantrums at a young age and growing up notices her lifestyle was a bit different from the rest. She could go out at night and return in the morning, disappear for days and never punished. She knew her mother loved her and but, that didn't change her love hate relationship with her lifestyle.

Cecilia made friends, many of them some who would be like family to her and some who would betray her, but all who taught her about life. She would look around at her friends families, rules and guidelines but above all of that a group of people who wanted each other and loved time together. She didn't have family dinners like they did, Christmas parties like they did, or a family group chat like they did.

She would dream about having a big brother who held her tightly in times of need. Who's words would harmonize like a symphony of love when she was crying about her problems, for that didn't reign true Cecilia would find that embrace somewhere else.

Being held by a warm body is all that mattered. So the boys who would ask her how her day way, just to know if sex with them would be a part of it didn't phase her. She wanted the intimacy, she longed for someone to care about her feelings, about her body and give her a safe place to land. Instead she landed in the lap of multiple boys and men alike, horny and emotionally unavailable. She would idolize that one moment as he would orgasm that he held her close and was the only person that mattered to him at the time. That moment she felt wanted.

These encounters coupled with the drunk nights, being the life of the party and the friend who helps all changed her. Who she was to everyone else didn't even resemble the person she knew she was. She was just a scared sixteen year old who needed to fall into the warm embrace of her father when the sweet boys from school would become the cruel boys who lusted for her body. There she sat Cece not Cecilia cold in a house with no photos, being both the person she turned to for sanctions and the person who broke her rules. Whether she was cece or Cecilia, it didn't matter in that moment she was longing to be held.