TAG WITH WORDS | DAHMO

Feelings Dictionary

Yes, that is exactly why Nayeon was screaming at me right now, and I could only nod. She had tried to make me talk to Momo all year, but I could never look at her without my ears turning red. I also have this very strange problem. I can never seem to find the right words. I search and search in the depths of my brain to pull out some and put them in the exact order that could describe my thoughts and feelings, but the moment they come out of my mouth, they are the exact opposite of what I was trying to achieve.

In other words, on the playground that is my social life, the words in my brain and I play tag.

"Then if she chickens out every time, at least make her stop whining about loving Momo so much," Nayeon whined into Tzuyu's lips, who had pulled her into a kiss — yuck! "She's not even worth it. Hirai is just a selfish, rich prick. Minatozaki is so much kinder and cuter. Hotter even."

SLAP!

Chaeyoung slapped Nayeon's arm hard, trying to get some sense into her. However, Tzuyu never seemed to care about her girlfriend talking about other girls in that way, she trusted her way too much, and secretly agreed with her.

"Don't be mean. Give her time." Tzuyu said with a small grin. THANK YOU, TZU! I'm shy and whenever Momo is around I get even shyer.

I watch the couple as they fall into one of those cute arguments and try to keep myself from throwing up. Chaeyoung, on the other hand, gives me a soft look, as if telling me to pay no mind to Nayeon, before returning to her lunch. I do the same, but this time, my eyes drift over to the group of cheerleaders sitting by the bleachers.

Amongst them was Mina, Chaeyoung's girlfriend, quietly sitting by Minatozaki Sana, who was passing a smoke around to the rest of the girls. They laughed and talked loudly, all gathered around in a circle. All of them looked pretty, their bodies were toned, and their skin clear as day. I envied them, not because of their beauty — besides, I am not one to care about looks — but because of how close they were with Momo. Said girl was in the middle of a circle, cigarette hanging from her lips, as she talked about something clearly funny. I wish I was as close to her like the rest of the cheerleaders were and listen to all the stories she had to say. I wish she made me laugh as hard as she did the people she surrounded herself with.

But, of course, I befriended everyone in the school apart from her. Yes, I know, Nayeon is right. It is just that I cannot bring myself to talk to her. I physically cannot. I always rehearse what I am going to talk to her about when I meet her, but when it actually comes down to it, I simply just forget everything. Whenever I think of talking to her, the words in my mind are aggressive, wanting to come out so much that they stop my breathing, clog my throat. Almost like a ball of yarn, they're messy and hard to untangle, to tell apart. Yet once I open my mouth to talk they disappear, the yarn dissolves into thin air and the words fly out into incoherent sentences. I keep chasing them, grasping them momentarily and gaining control, only for them to slip from me again.

On the playground that is my social life, I am playing tag with words and losing. The words are mocking me, making fun of me by surrounding my mind, yet I can never catch them, no matter how close I get. And I am getting tired, after hours in the playground, chasing the words around, I am thinking of surrendering.

"Hey, Nay!" the voice of Jihyo, the captain of the cheerleaders, interrupted my thoughts and brought me back to reality. I had not realized that I had completely spaced out, deep in thought. Sighing, I packed the rest of my sandwich away and watched as Jihyo walked closer to our group, hand in hand with her partner Jeongyeon.

"Yo, Hyo. What's up?" I can see Tzuyu pulling away from Nayeon. Even if she did not admit to it, all of us knew that Tzuyu did not like Nayeon's friends. They were just not her type, which is funny, because Nayeon is exactly like them, but she is heads over heels for her.