I love you Dr Reid {S.R X Reader}✔︎

7. Hopeless

TRIGGER WARNING: This chapter contains mentions of self harm, suicidal thoughts, and other ,mental health problems. I try to be as sensitive as i can be in my writing but if you do get triggered by any of these subjects perhaps this chapter is not for you. However if you have been following this series and you want to continue but do get triggered by these subjects if you message me directly I can send you the chapter with out the subjects mentioned. For those who are choosing to continue reading please be caution I genuinely care about your wellbeing and I would hate for anyone to feel affected by the topics in this chapter.

Two whole months had passed since you went on the run. You had to changed your hair colour and length now it was neck length and black. You were much thinner, food was never really appealed to your any more.

Your cheeks were hollowed out, your eyes looked bruised from the lack of sleep. Your skin was constantly pale no matter how much sun you got and you found your self in a constant state of exhaustion.

You rarely stayed in one place for more than 12 hours. It was safer that way. It meant that you wouldn't be able to be tracked down. It kept people safe, it kept the world safe from you. But unfortunately it came with a cost, and that was your health.

The isolation, the constant paranoia, anxiety, and the slow developing depression that plagued your mind. Your heart was broken, and your mind was shattering.

The only way you were able to make yourself smile was when you went online to keep track of the teams movements. To do this you had to go to an internet café or a library, but if you got to town too late then you wouldn't be able to hear about them. What made it worse was when the team hadn't solved the case, because there was nothing for you to read.

There was an article that you loved to re-read. It was one written when you were still on the team. The article was generally pretty boring but you re-read it just to get down to the photo at the bottom. It was of you, looking very good if you could say so yourself, and of Spencer, you were both escorting an unsub into the police station. The photo was nothing special but seeing yourself with him made it feel special made you smile.

You felt alone, lost and hopeless. You missed the BAU, you missed the team and most of all you missed spencer. He was the love of your life. You thought you knew what love was before you met him, but you were so very wrong. The 'love' you felt for Laura was not real, it was a stupid high school fling nothing more and nothing less. You didn't know real love until you met Spencer.

There wasn't a single day that went passed that you didn't think about the team. You wondered if you would ever be able to return. You wondered if you did how much would you have missed. Would JJ have another kid, would Derek and Emily get boyfriends or girlfriends instead of having an endless amount of one night stands. Would Hotch and Rossi get new wives. What if Spencer got another girlfriend?! A selfish part of you didn't want him to, you wanted him to wait for you but another part of you wanted him to be happy and you didn't want him to wait for you when your future was so unclear.

It was August and you were staying in a motel in Texas. It was ridiculously hot, the motel the air conditioning was broken and the room smelled of cheese it sucked. Most motels sucked, you were sure you stayed in motels that were purely for prostitutes to take their clients. Those motels were completely red. I'm talking red bedsheets, red toilets, red basins, red bed frames, red wall, even the TVs were painted red which was strange.

To save yourself from the most horrendous motel room that you had ever stayed in, in you entire life, you decided to go on a walk. You stopped off at an internet café and decided to see if the team had solved any new cases and luckily for you they had. Once you got onto the internet you read the most recent article about the team.