DEAR DIARY

MY FIRST LOVE

Dear Diary,

Something really unusual happened today. Something beautiful happened today. How do i tell you this, Oh! satan, okay now i am just goona tell you. 

I saw him, I saw him today, again. After so many years. I heard his voice. At first I thought I was dreaming but later when he talked to me face to face Oh! satan that was the moment I wanted to go on forever. 

My first love, I felt my heart beat again. I was so overwhelmed that time. I was feeling like I got a pool of fresh water after roaming in sunny desert for past 10 years. Yes, it's been ten years, I still remember the day he left me all alone. It was like a big part of me has gone away.

I cried for hours and hours. After he left many boys approached me but I wasn't intrested I always compared them with him. But never got anyone like him. and I was so stupid to search him in other boys cause nobody search sun in bulbs. You know what I mean right? He is my sun and I am his sunflower.............

But.....seems like except me there are many sunflowers. I don't know what to do now. I was heartbroken when he kissed that girl would be an understatement, I am crushed. What should i do? Should I commit suicide? or Should I ignore him? But I can't do either because I am not coward to commit suicide and i am not that courageous to ignore him. You know I felt it again I felt butterflies in my stomach again but the only difference is that, that they just died in my stomach. 

There is this knot in my throat it is not letting me speak or cry. I wish I had told him ten years ago how much I love him, I wish I had that courage. I don't know what hurts me more the thing that I never told him I loved him or seeing him with another girl. I still am just a regular friend to him.

I think I am changed now. Yes that little moment which wreaked my life and dreams made me realize that he was never mine I never told him I loved him. Now I wonder what it would be like if i just had the guts to tell him but who am I kidding I was just 15 years old then. But seems like now I should stop this I don't even wanna think how it would have been like if I had told him I loved him all I know right now is I have to live not for anybody else but for me and myself.

I looked at him more that he noticed, I wanted him more that he thought, I loved him more than he knew. Maybe one day he will realize it, But I won't be there waiting for him cause i will be out there exploring a new different shade of me, Nobody will love him the way I did Maybe i will never forget him and i don't even want to. I will always remember him as someone who made me find myself in the haste of this world. 

But till then there are infinite shades of me to explore and love.