Certain That I'm Yours

Moving in Reverse With No Way Out

As he grappled with that and tried to get his breathing under control, he heard Aim, in a hushed voice say something he never thought he would.

"I'm sorry Mark," Aim sad quietly, stayed where he was like he was finally willing to take a hint. Mark's head spun at the words, blinked till Aim's dark eyes were in focus and he could see that he wasn't kidding. "I'm really sorry for all of that, for how I treated you, for not being a better guy, for everything. I can't answer those questions because I don't have a good enough reason for any of it, I just know that I've spent a lot of time regretting my actions and wishing I hadn't treated you that way. I know that's not good enough but I am sorry,"

Mark couldn't help the tightness that lodged in his throat hearing Aim say that. He'd never heard him apologize before. Well, he had once but back then, he'd been too raw and torn up, he couldn't take it. It had sounded back handed and all he'd been through made him assume that Aim was just trying to take advantage of his vulnerabilities and hopelessness where he was concerned. He hadn't been in a position to listen then and even with all his growth, he didn't feel like he was in a better position to listen now. It sort of just made him dizzy.

Mark cleared his throat, shook his head. "This isn't fair," he heard himself say, "How can you do that...just make me feel like this, stop it,"

"Uh," Aim said, "sorry?"

Mark couldn't stand this. How was it possible that he'd felt so much all at once and now Aim was apologizing and he was feeling worse? How come he was allowed to do that and Mark could barely make it through one conversation with him without feeling like he was going to fall apart or lose it?

"It's not fair,"

Aim tipped his head, looked like he was trying to keep up with where this was going but wasn't finding that very easy. "What isn't?"

"This, all of it, you," he cleared his throat, swept his hand under his nose. "I don't think I can do this with you. I know that I need to and I felt like I could but right now, I don't think I can,"

"Okay,"

He barreled on like he hadn't spoken, "I could've. Earlier, I'm sure I could've because I was fine. But now," he looked up at Aim who was watching him cautiously, "it's not fair that you make me feel like this. And you're just, calm and content, you don't care that people don't like you or don't want to work with you,"

Aim made a noise in the back of his throat, "Mark,"

Mark kept going before he could say something that confused him or made him lose himself, "And last week, I felt like my world was imploding. I hadn't thought about you in so long and then you were just here and Vee's been so angry since I told him about you and now he can't even get through a project with you, it's a mess but here you are, fine,"

Aim waited a second before saying anything, like he was waiting to see if he was done. "Okay, first of all, I know that none of this has been easy for you and I'm sorry for that. Second, I hate that I've made you feel so...horrible, for so long. I never, ever treated you the way you deserved which is something I'd like to talk to you about. Someday. But if you're not ready to talk, that's okay. I've...I've been there too. It took me a long time to be able to confront the person I was, swallow my pride and just admit, 'yeah that was you and you hurt people, what are you going to do about it now?' I know I'm not that person anymore and I'm much better for that," He took a breath and said, "I didn't apologize to put you in a bad place, I just had to say it, so you knew,"