The Hollow of Me

Don't Let Me Stop You

You're not even allowed to bring your blanket out to group in the morning. That was what I told my mother when she asked how I was doing. It was meant to lighten the mood but I think it actually just made her worry for my sanity even more. My sister came but she sat in the corner of my small room glaring at me, her ice blue eyes like spears in my already guilty conscience. 

"Kara, if you don't want to be here then you can leave," I had offered coolly, hoping she would take me up on it. 

She hadn't. She dug in her heels and rubbed salt in the wound as she insinuated that the events leading up to mom checking me into the hospital were selfish. Like I'd really done them strictly for myself. 

When she finally left I hoped she wouldn't come back. 

I was on my third roommate, the first had described very vividly how she imagined she would kill me in my sleep. The room had been dark and it had only been my second night. The first night I'd come after lights out and she had been asleep thankfully. 

I'd considered reporting her threats but they weren't exactly threats. It was almost like she was telling me about a story she'd read. Regardless she was discharged before my second day was over. 

I couldn't help but wonder how I was still in this hellhole while my semi-murderous ex roommate was walking free. 

My second roommate had left almost as quickly as she'd come and the third one kept to the rules so carefully that she was afraid to even talk to me. We weren't meant to make friends in here, we were meant to get better. No forming personal attachments. No exchanging information. 

Focus on your illness and then get out.

We had these packets we had to fill out but even though I'd been an overachiever and finished mine after day one I didn't feel like I was any closer to getting out. 

I couldn't even have a hoodie unless my mom pulled the string out because I might hang myself. They provided me with slippers. No jewelry, no phone, and no contact with the outside world. I didn't even know if it was raining outside. 

What I wouldn't do for some fresh air. 

I stood at the threshold of my door and waited for someone to notice me. When Nurse Francis finally looked up from her conversation and spotted me she came over immediately.

"Can I help you?"

"I need to use the bathroom."

"Okay."

She lead me three doors down and stood outside the door while I went in to pee. It was a little degrading that I couldn't walk to the bathroom without being supervised. It was worse when I first got there. I'd been a fall risk since the drugs were still in my system and someone had to be in the bathroom with me. Now they stood outside it because I was demoted to a suicide risk. 

I wasn't even sure I wanted to die. I wasn't even sure that had been my intention. 

There was no sense in stalling in the bathroom or I'd receive a brisk knock on the door and a firm warning to hurry it along. I wasn't sure what she would do if I failed to respond, probably open the door and catch me sitting on the toilet. 

Washing my hands I went back to the door and this time she walked behind me as I went back to my room. My roommate, Camilla, was working on her packet in the corner and taking her sweet time doing it. It wasn't that hard. You just wrote down a bunch of bull about how you felt and what happened. I answered as honestly as I was willing. I wanted out of this damn hospital but that wouldn't happen until they were sure I was making progress and had a good game plan moving forward.