Vivid

Memories

Memories. They are really something. Small but important moments gets stored somewhere which is yet unknown. It is said that memories are stored in our brain. But how? How can small bits of memories exist but still don't exist. It is clearly a mystery. The most mysterious story ever written is the thing that we all carry in our head called brain. The most intelligent beings, humans, who even invented aero planes and microwave ovens, are still in oblivion about the most mysterious thing ever. It's a pity. Lying on the hospital bed after hearing to the doctors talking about the conditions through which my brain is going through, I got the clear view that either I'm gonna die soon or something extremely terrible is gonna happen. Either way, it sounds bad.

After diagnosing with a rare brain disease called Creutzfeldt–Jakob disease (CJD), I've been in this hospital for months, maybe years. I lost track of time, the moment I stopped going college. It was hard at first. Lying in bed all day long, doing nothing other than staring at the plain white wall above. But, now I've got used to it. And eventually lost hope of going back to college. But still, deep inside I have the desire to go and attend all the boring lectures, hangouts and parties and everything, with my friends. Friends. They are probably the only thing that keeps me going, while still lying in cold sheets, with the company of nothing other than a few beeping sounds and nurses coming and going. The beeping sounds, they are the most annoying thing ever. Sometimes I would just wish for it to stop. Yeah, sometimes I wish for all the things that may happen after it stops as well. What is the point of living when you know you may die anytime soon. But isn't how it is for everyone. But not everyone have to lay in a bed waiting for death to come, like me. I lost hope a long time ago. Now I'm just numb. I hate to do this to everyone around me. My mom. I hate seeing her crying every time the doctor comes and says "Sorry. But we are trying our best." I hate seeing her cry for me. It's been months of the same cycle repeating. At first, I used to hope for the doctor to come with some good news like "Hey, you can go to college from now on." Or at least "Hey, you're not gonna die." But unfortunately, it never happened. And I had no other choice than to give up. Give up everything. But my mother just won't accept the fact that nothing's gonna save me. She cries herself to sleep every night, while I lie awake, feeling nothing but the urge to just kill the irritating beeping sound of the machines surrounding me.

The doctors left after saying what they have been saying since the day I came here. I was lying on my back staring at the white wall. At my first few days of coming here, the plain white wall seemed like the most boring thing to look at. But after staring at it for months, or maybe years, I slowly started seeing the few imperfections of the clear wall. It had small spots here and there. Just like people. At first they would seem beautiful and perfect from outside, but once you get to know them, or even pay attention to them closely, you'll see the little imperfections. At first, I hated the plain stupid ceiling, but nowadays that's all I have to look at. First, it seemed boring and plain but now I can even see colorful dreams, rainbows and unicorns on the ceiling . Just like people. At first, they would seem plain and boring, people who we think of as 'No fun'. But, when you get to know them, they will just paint your whole world with bright colours. And you should never let them go. Sometimes, I would imagine images or even movies playing on the plain wall. It was my entertainment. I even make plotlines in my mind and imagine Noah Centineo playing the lead. Sometimes, the movies are just my life. The first time I met Millie, my bestfriend. My highschool days, bunking classes and going out at 'Tiffany's' for coffee with Millie, my friends making fun of me whenever I blush after making eye contact with my crushes, whom I never had the courage to go and talk. I though of myself as someone boring who never did anything memorable with my life. But as I'm lying here staring at the ceiling, I realize how many beautiful moments I made with my friends and family. Feeling some moisture budding in my eyes, I quickly try to think of something else. But what else do I have to think of. Clearly nothing.

"Baby…" It was my mom. She wipes her eyes with a tissue, before walking towards my bed. I didn't look at her as I don't wanna see her crying. Seriously, how long does this have to go on like this. Crying and weeping everyday. She comes closer and stokes my hair. I automatically closes my eyes at her touch. It can sooth any pain at anytime. But unfortunately, it won't work right now. It stopped working a long time ago.

"It's fine. They will come up with something. Everything's…gonna be fine." The same words along with the same sniffling. Everyday. Sometimes I wonder how she can still say it after all these time. She is so optimistic to still believe that everything's gonna be alright. Well I'm not.

I didn't say anything, but just stared into the ceiling.

"Do you want something to eat, baby?" My mom asked. How can she forget that along with my hope, my life, my appetite left a long time ago? I remember going to Tiffany's and eating donuts till I feel like my stomach's gonna explode. I used to eat a lot. Even eating was fun when my friends were with me. Sharing each other's lunch like middle schoolers even when we were at college. After coming here, I had to force myself to eat the stinky hospital food. Then Millie would come visit me at weekends with a pack of Tiffany's donuts. She still does. Everything is just the same as the day I got here. Millie visits me every weekend, doctors come in for daily vital check, my mom tells me everything's gonna be fine, everything is just the same. All that changed is me. I changed from a happy cheerful person to someone who is just 'not dead yet'. I don't have the urge to do anything. Not to eat, drink or even talk to Millie when see visits. But still she does, every single Saturday she would be at the door, knocking. Just like my mom, she too loves me too much to give up on me. I love her for not losing hope. I love her for visiting me and talking to me about everything happening around non-stop like a walking radio. While all I can do is watch her smiling and laughing in front of me, just like before. But I can't do anything about me. I know I'm hurting everyone around. Living like I don't exist. But I'm doing this for them. If I live as if I'm not alive, it would be easier for them to move on when I die for real. When I die, all the memories they have about me will be laying on a bed talking to no one, staring upwards to a blank wall, living like a ghost. So they wouldn't miss me. Right? Or maybe that is what I wish for. I already hurt a lot of people by being like this, I don't wanna hurt anyone, anymore.

I just shake my head as my answer. I didn't have to. She already knows what I was gonna say.

"Millie's gonna come tomorrow." My mom said. It's weekend? I didn't know. Good. Now I have something to look forward to.

"She is gonna come with the others." Her next words made my eyes shoot towards my mom. She is going to bring everyone? I wanted to jump around. My other friends only visited me a couple of times. It's been a really long time since they came. Henry, Poppy, Hanna and Noel. We were a group. I don't know if we still are. Millie and I are childhood friends. When we both got into the same college, we met the others. A bunch of misfits, who fit perfectly. That's how I would describe our little group. We, together had the fun of a lifetime. The memories we made will stay forever in me. Even after I die. That is something I know for sure.

Tomorrow they're all are gonna come. That is enough to keep me going. I have something to live for. And that's tomorrow. I'll live for another day. Just to be together, once again, just like old times. And maybe I can say goodbye for one last time, I guess.