Letting you go [COMPLETE]

Chapter 1

The previous chapter was the prologue. I accidentally missed writing it.

This story isn't edited so I apologise in advance for any mistakes.

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"Alyson, remember to go and see the nurse. She has your oxygen-"

I cut my mum off before she can finish the sentence. Everyday it's the same thing: remember to see the nurse. It infuriates me, having heard the same exact words every time I'd been dropped off to school. Sure, it was pure fact that I needed the machine to breathe but I didn't like being reminded that I had cancer. Cancer meant you were dying, and I didn't want to be dying.

Mum sighs, a sound I'd heard to often to count. "Alyson, I know you hate hearing it, but I need to know that you go and see the nurse. I need to hear that your breathing is fine." She starts to get choked up, something I hate. A sad parent was only another reminder of my impeding death. "I know I can be overbearing but I have to be. It would kill me inside if something were to happen to you-" A tear falLe from mum's eye and it's wiped away hastily, in the hope I haven't noticed. But I had noticed and it hurt me physically to see it there, worse than when I couldn't breathe.

Reaching over, I put my hand in hers, giving it a squeeze. I try my best to smile, but I know it doesn't work. "It's okay, mum. I know you worry. But you don't have to. I always see the nurse whenever it starts to get tough to breathe."

She looks at me, unshed tears in her eyes. I dread seeing them fall. "You're so brave and I hate it. I hate it."

I squeeze her hand, leaning into her side. "I have to be brave. I don't have a choice." It's the truth, no matter how bad it sucks.

"I know." A tear falls and my heart starts to ache. "I'm sorry, I don't mean to cry. You don't cry, yet I do-"

"I know mum," I say, cutting her off. I know what she's about to say: I'm sorry I cry. I'm sorry I'm a bad mother. You're so brave and I'm not.

She looks at the mirror and I know what she sees: red-rimmed eyes. Her hand squeezes mine, her voice strong. "Okay, you need to get to school. I can't have you in the car or I'll never stop crying. Go, so I don't burst into tears and never let you go."

Her words are blunt, but that's what the cancer has caused. When you were dying there was no use pretending you weren't. I don't delude myself and I don't allow my parents to either. Her words are fact-if I didn't leave she'd burst into tears. I hate to see the cancer impact my mum. She still doesn't know how to deal with it. She got emotional and when she couldn't handle being emotional she got detached. It was the easiest way for her to cope, even if she wasn't coping well.

Knowing that if I tried to hug her, she'd cry, I squeeze her hand instead. "I love you. I'll be fine today."

She doesn't look at me when she says, "I love you too. Now go."

I can tell she's trying not to cry. The minute I leave the car, she'll be sobbing. I want to comfort her but it will only make it worse.