Paper Cut Lover | Kylo Ren

EIGHTEEN

I haven't felt this type of anxiety since I was fourteen when the girls at my school decided one day that I wasn't good enough to be their friend – And the feeling I am enduring now, is just the same as back then, on those days where I would come home crying and beg not to go the next day, only this feels worse. 

There's a clarity – Yes. I can see it all perfectly now, no longer am I wearing my rose-coloured glasses because it seems I had left them back at his house, along with my jacket. I was frightened too. I was scared, agitated, terrified, petrified! I was frightened because I know Kylo Ren could break my heart back into two – And he will one day, after-all, this cannot last forever. 

The rain may be pouring down the windows to my right but there is beauty in it, that same clarity as the kind of thinking which lets me notice small details, like how his fingers curl into his palms whenever I act as if I am eying the clock above his head, instead of meeting his gaze – Or the way that I had completely, utterly and foolishly, fallen for someone who truely didn't care for me, unless I was wrapped around him.

Professor Ren was fiery hot and would lay his heated hands of burning passion upon my cool flesh, warming me right up. Maybe, all along Kylo Ren was like a candle to me, he illuminated my melancholy life of grey with his pale light, though with only a light blow of wind, he would be gone – Leaving only a thin smoke to become the evidence of the once burning fire. 

I don't want to feel the heartbreak of my own foolery, the day may be dimming but he still has the power to light a flame in the pit of my soul, always burning for more of him, always ready to set this whole city into a blaze, if that was what he had asked from me – And like back when I was fourteen, I knew that there was something wrong with the emotions that I was feeling.

He walks over to me slowly once the bell had rung and everyone else had fled out of the classroom – Rachel turns back before leaving out the door, to give me a sly smile and a mischievous wink. Despite my inner conflict, my heart seems to have a mind of its own when it skips a beat as he sits on the edge of my table, causing it to wobble above me, thanks to the shorter leg on the right. 

I closed my eyes when he sighs, the heat rising in my cheeks as the nagging ache coiled in my guts and a pulse began to beat down my thighs. I'm nothing but a love-sick teenager and I need to smack that ignorance out of me before this innocence shifts into something regrettable. 

"What did your Wife want?" I break the silence and ask.

"Ex." He reminds me, his large hand moving to flip my textbook closed, "And she just came over to get the last of her things."

I nodded and as he shifted closer upon the desk, I got a whiff of his aftershave and cologne – It was strange, Kylo's house seemed impossibly empty from a woman's touch, where did he keep the rest of her things? Probably in the attic to collect dust – As will my heart when one day, he or I, ultimately lose it. 

"Do you have any other classes today?" He asks me, to which I chuckle and shake my head.

"I can barely keep up with one class, let alone another." I say, my voice tinted with a sarcastic chime. 

"Right – Right," He hums as I watch the way his fingers play with he corner of my textbook – His long, porcelain fingers which I want to interlock my own between. He clears his throat and lifts his hand away, "Did you ever get around to that poem from yesterday?"

Running a hand through my hair, his words only add strength to my growing anxiety, "Ah, no and it's really starting to stress me out." I say, leaving out the real reason as to why it was causing me this great deal of mental wrath.