Paper Cut Lover | Kylo Ren

EIGHTEEN

I woke up this morning with the epiphany of a hurtful insight. It was as if the rain that crashed upon me furiously as I found my way home after being kicked out of Kylo Ren's house, had washed my eyes and conscience clean enough to ensure sudden clarity. 

The weight upon my shoulders had shifted, but it was still anchoring my heart down heavily – It felt like someone was sitting upon my collarbones with their legs wrapped tightly around my neck and their hands are forcefully shoving into my mouth to pry their fingers down my throat and into my chest, only to tear my heart out of its place brutally. 

Even my movements were stiff as I walked into Mr. Ren's class that chilly day. No longer was I wearing a summer dress in the middle of winter, but instead I was wearing my casual jeans – Though, I still presumably look like an idiot for not wearing my jacket, for once again, I had managed to leave it in Kylo's hands, after forgetting it was hanging on the back of his dining chair. It's probably hung up in his closet already, collecting moth-dust and swinging to the side as he rummages through his shirts to find the right one – Today it was a black button up, where the pale flesh of his neck seems to glow against it.

When our eyes meet, I look away with hesitation swimming around my irises and trudge over to the back desk, returning back to the spot I would sit in when he first arrived to campus and I was trying to avoid his eyes turning upon me, because they would leave me to scorch beneath the heated observance of his. 

Sitting down with a huff and throwing my textbook onto the desk, I only catch the knitting of his dark brows once and even from here, I can see the deep crease between them as the tension begins to rise from the floor and up to our mouths like a thick fog, leaving only our eyes to watch each-other and inspect what could be causing the smoke to be so smothering. 

But then, he begins the lesson. 

After all this time, it is only now where I wonder if the pain and struggle of hiding my desire for my Professor, is really worth it. I had enough problems before he came anyway – I'm failing college, My Father's still an asshole and my heartbreak was enough to ensure a life lived in depressive misery – And despite the fact that Kylo had manage to coax all the heartbreak out of me with his warm touches, I am terrified of the day where that heartbreak returns with a raging vengeance. 

I want to click the ink of my pen out of the plastic like an assassin would flip the hilt of their dagger and retract the blade, and then I want to throw it in the air to embed it into the back of Rachel's head of blonde-curls. But even when Juno Steele – Her quiet friend – pretends to stretch and makes eye-contact with me, all I do is look away like the weak person that I am.

The clarity from earlier had followed me here the way blue water would fall downhill, it gathers around me and I am drowning beneath it, and just like the moment when one sinks to the bottom of a pool, I am glancing upwards to the light above, only it seems to be him – But I can't help but feel like he was the one to push me into the water in the first place. 

With my jaw painfully tense as I grind my teeth together, my pen is nearly snapping in my grip, although my palms are sweaty. As I watch Mr. Ren up there, at the front of the class in front of the board with a piece of chalk in his hand, the white words upon the black only seem to shift and shape into the memory of his eyes yesterday night. 

He looked so agitated, so frightened – And I can't help but think that the whole time we stretch this secret affair out, deep down he will be that scared and I will forever be this anxious of being found and the consequences which will follow. 

He glances back and meets my eyes, but his move away again before mine do. I swallow dryly, but ever since last night I haven't been able to wet my paper throat.