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Rant (sorry)

Tw: death, cancer

Why does the world hate me, like why? On Thursday my aunt died after her 11 month battle with brest cancer and her 9 month battle with ALS, a disease that slowly weakens all your muscles making it so slowly you can't walk, then can't move, then your lungs and stuff stop working and eventually your heart and brain. I love my aunt very much and I hated hearing the words put of my mom's mouth that she had died even though it meant she was no longer suffering.

Then on Friday Chadwick Boseman died. I was already pretty shaken from my aunt dying less that 24 hours before and was trying to forget it with marvel movies, I was watching black Panther when I heard he had died. I hope his family is going to be ok.

Then yesterday my mom, who works in a hospital, came to the kitchen and told me one of her interpreters had died suddenly and unexpectedly. I really liked him, he was really nice and will be missed so much through the hospital system.

Basically my family has notice how hard this has all been on me and tried to cheer me up. My mom took me shopping which I just didn't have the energy to enjoy even though I dont really get to spend much time alone with her as one of 11. My dad even is letting me make doughnuts and when we went to the store they let me get candy that I wanted even though they would normally say no. My brothers who live at home have both brought me food from the 2 restaurant they work in and another brother made me enchiladas. I know they are trying to cheer me up but it's just now working. I love them all for trying but I really just want to scream at them to let me alone.

This year has been so hard for me and I hate it. My dog that my parents got the day after I was born died a few weeks ago, I have dislocated and broken different things in my body. One of my band directors, who are all like family to me, nearly died in a car wreck this year. My competition band season has been canceled and all of my work was for nothing. My brothers have both seriously hurt themselves, and my uncle just got covid. Our entire show choir, which one of my brothers is in, had a covid outbreak but luckily he didn't get covid. My only outlet is here and my martial arts place I go to punch things. I just want 2020 to be over with.

I also had to help my cousin teach her 6 year old about racism when the riots were happening. It is really hard to hear a 6 year old kid say, "but I'm white and I'm not mean, will people try to hurt me because they are mad at white people?" No kid should ever have to even think about that, ever, but yet she did.

Also my homophobic grandparents are driving me insane, me and my entire family fully supports any LGBTQ people, my mom had little flags on the back of her badge at work and she has the back showing more than the front. My grandparents however are NOT accepting of anybody who isn't completely straight. I was sitting in their living room the other day and I said something about how I hate spiders, like I'm deathly afraid of them, and both of their responses were, they are creatures of god, they have their place in the world like it or not, they are loved and deserve to be cared about. I'm like weird but ok. Then like 5 minutes later something about the LGBTQ community came up on the news and they were talking about how those types of people were sinners and deserved to go to hell. Like what were you just saying? So I'm really mad at them rn.

I really miss my family outside of the USA and my sister cod come back this year, we had some problems with her Visa before and she got kicked out, but she could come back this year and I haven't seen her in forever but covid is stop6her from being able to come back and it sucks because I didn't get to say goodbye to her when she left and I haven't seen her is 3 years.

Basically I'm really mad and hate the world rn. How have you guys been doing?