The Neglected

Introduction

Who am I?......I am no one, I am nothing, I am anonymous. I am nothing but a girl engulfed in darkness, trying to piece the broken parts together to create something beautiful. Where I can then become whole and let the light shine through my broken shards of life to make a brighter and better future.... a happy future.... to be free from the pain, at peace with the hurt and to be able to tolerate myself. I will not be afraid of my past and I will not let it define me. I chose not to follow in others footsteps.... creating my own footprint and follow my own path. Where will it lead? To that I have no answers..... but my journey begins with myself, I am sunshine mixed with rain..... creating a rainbow for my future.
My story is the base of my being, but not the end. I am still learning about myself. Building myself up and trying to figure out who I am as a person, as a mother, as a partner and as a friend. My old motto use to be " Fake it until you make it" but now I am beginning to peel away the layers....right down to the core, layer by layer, no matter how much it hurts, no matter how many tears I have wiped from my eyes... I am now building myself back up into the confidant, motivated and strong individual I strive to become. To face my past and let it become the end to my beginning. A new chapter awaits and I now realise that I shouldn't just give in and say " bad things always happen to me, its okay.... I'm use to it". I now realise that whatever life throws at me, good or bad... I will always be okay because at the end of the day there are always people out there that have it a lot worse than what I do.... even worse off than you! I am now above the surface, catching my breath.... nothing will pull me back under and I will not drown in regret and self pity.
One of the issues that I need to address and build on are my emotions. How to use them and express myself freely without embarrassment being present. I grew up not knowing the feeling of love, to be loved, to feel loved or even to be happy.... to feel happy. My main wish growing up was to have a normal family, to be like everyone else. It was just something I always wanted and wished for. My life just felt like it consisted of being lonely, neglected and abandoned by everyone that I knew. I had always wanted someone in my life and for that someone to be there for me and stay around but I was unable to trust anyone. I feared getting close to people because the few that managed to get passed where I let my guard down and trust.....well, at some point they would kick me back to the curb.... the lonely girl back in the gutter asking herself why and rebuilding her walls back up higher and higher where her weakness became her strongest point because she was too afraid to get hurt as she was tired of hurting.
I had me, just me, no one else.... with the monsters in the shadows surrounding me. I despised my own company, stuck listening to my own thoughts was like a living nightmare in itself with re occurring self hate and self pity, convincing myself not to live in this world. My demons growing stronger every day whilst I wither away inside myself. I can not remember being happy.... at all really, just faked it where I needed to. Only sadness fills my mind, the experiences I will be sharing are from memory and snip bits from care files.... a child of the system. Some I had completely blocked out and others I remember as if it was yesterday. When I read through my files some of the things written down turned my stomach, anger and sickness overwhelmed me. I stopped writing for a short while whilst I gathered my thoughts and overcome more unwanted memories. Others may remember them differently but this is how they unravelled in my mind and I am willing to share my experiences.... my life is like an open book and I will not be ashamed or embarrassed. I am coming to terms with all and nothing will change who I have become.
This book is not intended for sadness, nor for blame or to get anyone in trouble. Its to share my story... all the things that made me who I am today, to learn about myself and most importantly to show people that even though bad things happen and you go through a traumatic experience, it doesn't define who you are! It doesn't mean you're life is over...or have to be over, never give up.... you are the maker of your own life! You pull the strings and become the person you want to be. It just means that you have to re plant yourself and grow into the individual you achieve to become. You can believe in yourself and you can reach those hopes and dreams... you just need to start by picking yourself up and dusting yourself off. Bad things happen to everyone so stop thinking " why me, what have I done to deserve this?"..... you don't want to be stuck in that place, believe me! I was there for years and it got me nowhere! Plus... why not you? Why should you only get good experiences in life? Whether its a bad experience or you fail at something...it is not an end! Change, be kind or gain knowledge.. turn your life onto a success, you just need to learn the skills, like myself to turn your life around. It's time to stop living in the past and focus on your present. Don't follow everyone else, you have one life, don't live to achieve other people's dreams....start living your own. Anything is possible if you just give it a try, so why not give it a go...one step at a time?