Clever Girl

Chapter 25: a million jagged pieces

"Do you really think you're the only one who hates that place? I hate it too. I hate this whole town. Once I graduate, I'm gone."

"What about your grandmother?"

"I'll take her with me. I'm thinking we'll move to Florida or Nevada."

"Have you applied to all the colleges in those states?"

"Yeah, and I'll probably take the first offer that I get. Wish you could come with me."

"Come on, once you're in college you'll meet some new people, new friends, and a year from now you'll forget all about little old me." I've considered leaving this town many times, through many fantasies. It's a nice thought, but I don't think I'll be able to manage my family's expenses anywhere else.

"I'll never forget you, Ronnie, and you better not forget me."

"Right, like I could forget you, Principal's Office buddy." How can I forget the first real friend I've made in the last six years? Though I don't express that truth to him, because there's no need for anyone to know how lonely I've been - a loneliness that only now has revealed itself to me, like a bad memory someone suppresses for many years. I can feel tears building up again, and I turn away. 

"Hey, are you okay?"

"Yes, I'm fine. So I was thinking of upping the number of papers I write per day, and I want to give you a larger cut."

"Don't change the subject. Tell me what's wrong."

Don't cry. Don't cry. "It's nothing, I swear. Maybe just nerves. . . since I have to go back."

"Come on, it's only a few months. You'll get through it. Things'll turn out fine."

My phone vibrates, and I see that it's a text from Jay. He's sent me quite a few in the last few days, none of which I've replied to. I can't. I hate the fact that I've been going back and forth with him, changing my mind every five seconds like a headless chicken. Though when life keeps throwing you curveballs with every blink of an eye, you have to change direction accordingly. I do owe him an explanation though, a proper one, so he doesn't end up hating me. I'll find him after school one day and tell him everything, and hopefully he'll understand. 

"Why is Jay Alderan texting you?"

"What? Why are you reading my texts?" I notice that Will's hovering over my shoulder and glancing down at my text message screen, and I put my phone away quickly.

"I told you, that guy's an asshole. He's gonna screw you over."

"Just because he's an asshole to you doesn't mean he's an asshole to everyone."

The disappointment on Will's face matches my own at his lack of understanding privacy. He moves away and leans against his desk, "You say that now, but watch. One day he's gonna do something really messed up to you, and you'll go back to this moment and wish you'd listened to me."

"Thanks dad. I'll make sure to watch out for the big bad nerd." What might Will think if I tell him that Jay and I kissed? That I may be attracted to him? That thinking of his name makes my face feel hot and my heart beat faster? Though if I can trick everyone into thinking I'm a C-average student, I can certainly make everyone believe that Jay means nothing to me. "Anyway, you don't have to worry. He's upset because, since I dropped out, he won't be getting his gold star from Cranston for tutoring me. So he's been sending me angry texts, all of which I've been ignoring."

"You sure that's all it is?"

"Of course, what else would it be?"

"Okay so, I didn't wanna say anything because I didn't believe it was you, but . . ." He pulls out his phone and shows me the screen. It's a photo - a rather dark, somewhat blurry photo with two people kissing in the distance. Their faces aren't clear, but I know exactly who they are. Will gives me an incredulous look. "One of my buddies sent it to me the morning after the party. This actually is you and Alderan, right?"

I move back and bite my lower lip, knowing that my face must be turning tomato red right now. There goes my plan to trick everyone. "Uhm . . . yes but. . . it's not what it looks like."

"So you're not making out with him?"

"Look, I was drunk. So I kissed him once, so what? Why does it even matter?"

"We're friends, right? Don't friends warn each other about stuff like this?"

This is not a conversation I can handle right now, but I also don't want to get overly angry at Will and push away the only friend I have. Besides, friends probably do warn each other about these situations all the time. Who am I to argue that? I take a deep breath to calm myself down, and when I speak, it's with subdued discontent, "Yes, I guess they do. But I promise you, there's nothing to warn me about. I can take care of myself when it comes to Jay or anyone else. Now, can we please talk about something else?"