writing snippets

it is mortifying to be known (nelle & kinglsey)

nelle is covered in scars. they paint her torso in pink scar tissue in varying length and even though they seem healed on the outside they are not quite there yet internally. she is a poorly stitched together version of herself. the most manipulative parts of her are fluffed and used to decorate her person; anything else is stuffed deep down and close together so it doesn't leak out her seams like a weathered stuffed animal.

and now nelle is falling apart.

her stitches are being unravelled and her scars are being reopened and the ugliest parts of her (in her opinion) are pouring out and she can't move fast enough to stuff it all back in before people see.

so now she sits with tears on her face and her head in her hands trying to make herself smaller but not trying to stop herself from crying. what's the point in stopping if it's too late to hide it? besides she can't remember the last time she cried and it feels good to let it out even if it's in the most embarrassing way possible. she thinks she's alone, she's in the room of some house that's ended up in her siblings hands and she was pretty sure she had locked the door. but she hears someone crouch in front of her and her first reaction is to lash out. so she instinctively reaches for her knife and swings her arm but it's caught before any contact is made.

she's sure she looks feral right now. bloodshot eyes and tear stained cheeks, her hair is no doubt similar to a nest and she knows she has opened scars that have bled through the single layer of clothing she's wearing. but she's staring wide eyed at kingsley who's got her wrist in his hand and he's staring right back at her, just as wide eyed. she lets the knife clatter to the floor and yanks her arm back.

neither one of them says anything. kingsley hesitates to reach out to her again, he pauses and when she doesn't react he sets a gentle hand on her elbow. she tenses but he doesn't retract his hand and instead helps her up slowly. with a hand on her back and holding her hand he's still quiet, not asking her anything or making any comments. she appreciates it, or she would if her mind was in the right place to.

she doesn't feel much of anything right now aside from awful. her body feels heavy and her mind is actively working against her. she thinks she wants to die but she doesn't voice it. she doesn't want to. she thinks if she does it'll reveal too much, as if too much of her hasn't been revealed already. what's the use? she wonders, she didn't think she'd be here now. she was so sure she'd die once everything was said and done but here she is. alive and bleeding. it both fills her with disgust and a will to go on.

she feels a gentle tap on her arm and she blinks back into reality. she's been led into the bathroom, the tub has been filled with warm water and kingsley is looking at her as if asking are you okay? should i go? she looks at him and then to the tub and then back to him. she doesn't trust herself to be alone. her tongue feels like lead so she doesn't say anything instead opting to gently tug his shirt in hopes he gets the message. he seems to understand because he shuts the door and wipes dirt from her face.

nelle has been naked with kingsley before but this is different. this is not a distraction nor an outlet, it is just them together and nothing more. it's very quiet between them as kingsley helps nelle take her clothes off. it's not uncomfortable, just different and maybe part of her wants to push him away but she doesn't. he's soft when he touches her and he doesn't comment on her scars. not that he ever has, but she knows he has questions and he knows she doesn't want to answer.

she hesitates when she reaches up to take off his mask, finally. typically he does it himself, she vaguely remembers him saying they don't let other people touch them unless they are family or something sweeter but doesn't let herself linger on it, but he takes her hand and brings it to his face so she removes it. unhooking it from each ear and setting it down with care.

kingsley gets in the tub first and he offers out an arm for nelle to follow. she's slower about it, feeling far more exposed then she ever has before and her face must say so because he's not looking at her right now. his head is resting back against the wall and his eyes are shut. he looks very peaceful but the crease in his brow disturbs the image. she smooths it out with her thumb and takes his hand, getting in and sitting down between his legs. she leans her head back against his chest and she can feel the steady rise and fall of it beneath her.

nelle stays quiet and so does kingsley. she feels her throat constrict and she tries to swallow it down but the ball that's formed again is big and she takes a trembling breath instead. her eyes burn, her head feels woozy, and she's crying again. not heavily enough to be wracked by it but enough that she starts to forget to breath only worsening the lightheaded feeling she's got. kingsley is a comforting presence behind her and he runs his hands through her now wet hair as she cries. he doesn't comment, doesn't tell her it's okay, he just lets her cry and cards his fingers through her hair while unconsciously getting her to follow his breathing.

her head feels like mush and for a few moments she is mortified of how seen she is letting herself be. she has lost any and all energy to put up her typical front and even though kingsley has seen some of her this is an entirely new side. she's always careful and calculated with what she lets show, never showing too much but showing enough that there wouldn't be cause for questions or disgust.

nelle doesn't know what he thinks of her, especially not right now. she does, sort of, but she doesn't understand it. she's too afraid to ask because the answer will no doubt terrify her either way, and for now she's let the fear grow for too long and if it only furthers her idea that he is repulsed then so be it. but nelle is smart, a part of her that's yet to break knows she is being foolish. she knows that if he were truly repulsed he would not be here but that is not enough to chase the feeling.

she stops crying eventually. her tear ducts have run dry and now her head pounds again. she finds herself soothed and comforted by the man behind her and she shuts her eyes to listen to his breathing. she focuses on that instead of letting her mind wander.

in. i've been so cruel to him haven't i? out. why would he put up with that? in. what have i done to deserve this? out. i am not deserving of this. in. he loves me doesn't he? out. he loves me? he loves me. he loves me. he loves me. she forgets to follow his breathing and turns the phrase over and over and over in her head until she realizes she hasn't taken in a breath in too long. she inhales sharply and her hands shake slightly and yeah she's realized this before so it shouldn't be a big deal. he's told her before and she's either played it off or ignored it altogether so it shouldn't be a big deal.

but this time it hits her like a freight train. it hits her hard and she's trying to piece together why and the second realization makes something in her gut twist uncomfortably. he's seen her. really seen her, past her layers of clothing and perfectly crafted personality, he's witnessed the parts of her that she's made multiple attempts to stifle and rid herself of because they're messy and difficult and yet he's stayed. he's stayed.

she wants to be sick. how could he- her thought is cut off by the softer side of herself, because he loves you! a pause in her head. and you love him.

that comes softer then she would have thought. it's more like a soft caress, it doesn't knock the wind out of her lungs or drive her crazy trying to find answers. it's a simple fact but a loaded concept and she has known for a while but never stated it to herself before. she's acknowledged it but never accepted it. it's much easier than she thought it would be. there are no hoops to jump through no reason to justify herself, she knows why and doesn't have to explain it. it's a nice feeling.

nelle sinks a bit further into the water and against his chest. she lifts a hand from the water and takes his in hers. mindlessly squeezing it for a few seconds and relaxing.

still nothing is said, but a soft kiss is pressed to the crown of her head that is more than either could say.