Miscellany

saudade

saudade

(n.) a nostalgic longing to be near again to someone that has been loved and then lost

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"Please help me..."

You begged me to end it. End your suffering. End your pain. End you.

And I broke.

Whenever you fainted in my arms. With every gentle brush of my lips against your heated skin. Whenever my name would pass through your lips along with awful pleas. Telling me to end you was the same as telling me to end myself. We can only be whole when we're together. How can I live if half of me is gone?

"Go on without me..."

You begged me to forget you. How could I? Every time the tips of my fingers touch your paling lips, a needle buries itself in my heart, my body, my soul. Deeply. Creating a mark that would never heal. It was like I was being cursed. Because you were scared that inevitably, I'll move on and continue living without you. You wanted to leave spectacularly, in a way I wouldn't even dare forgetting. Your arms will be on my shoulders all my life until my last breath, in the same way you spent your last seconds wrapped in mine.

"If you love me..."

You begged me to prove my love. I've memorized every inch of your body. From the tip of your dark locks, your captivating orbs, your smooth hands that fit mine perfectly like a missing puzzle piece, your waist that I have embraced countless times. Was that not enough to convince you? The days your tears filled my chest, the many times I tried to say 'I love you' through words, objects, our bodies, how I never left your side no matter if life was full of rainbows or raging thunderstorms. I wonder if that wasn't enough.

I love you, unbearably. That even if it meant killing you, I'd do it. If that's what you need and want. If that's what will make you see that what I feel is far beyond your fears and doubts. I'll do anything for you. Even if I'm left in the gutter to drown in a flood of sins, scrutiny, and pain.

Even if I'm the love that remains.