Miscellany

zemblanity

zemblanity

(n.) the inevitable discovery of what we would rather not know

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With a face painted with the color of extroverts, I felt myself wanting to be the one to make you feel whole and my flustered heart sought sanctuary amidst the tall grass seemingly scorning me. Meeting you felt surreal. In an imaginary world, I find our hands intertwined. Your soft palms were more reassuring than my grip on the timber seat. For a second I saw the world flashing the brightest streaks of a rainbow and my confidence about what could become of us soared like a speeding jet.

And then, I opened my eyes.

The darkness that surrounds me almost comforted me. Murmurs felt like screams that desperately clawed at my heart.

A dream is a wish your heart makes.

It is.

And I wished I never woke up.

Because outside of this dark space was an even more suffocating place that reminds me nothing can happen between us from the start.

"Krit!"

Your voice is so calming, and so bright, that my darkness needs to protect itself.

To regret our encounter, I'm unlikely to do that. But my heart wishes it never knew what it was feeling. Because now, every small glimpse from you, every light touch, every single time you blink, even the sound of your pen when it meets your writing pad, all of them ignite bursts of flames that creep onto my skin and slowly devour me. It hurts. And it hurts more because I know I want it. I want you.

But you don't.

And the minute that thought spreads through me like poison, your smile resurfaces. And in my intoxication, I go back to that grass field where you only see me, and I only see you.

I love you.

In this world, there are no lies. Even your words.

And I've been in this endless circle ever since I discovered the one my heart seeks.