Miscellany

desiderium

desiderium

(n.) a longing or ardent desire for something once had

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The sudden flash of sunlight blinds my eyes. Yet, the image of you is as clear as glass.

The strong gust of wind blocks my ears. Yet, your voice echoes in my head like a never ending chant.

Thorns keep pricking my feet that have been naked for days. Yet, they continue to move and squirm through the rusty soil.

The blood dripping from my right temple mirrors the flow of the water in the jungle I aimlessly walk through.

Aimlessly.

Maybe that's not the right word. The destination is pinned in my heart and I am pushed towards that place despite not knowing if it even exists. But I know I'll find you there.

How do you know, Krit?

How will I not? I know you. I know you so well that I could go blind.

When the giant wave crashed, it didn't only devour this remote piece of land. It swallowed you up, and you went along with it. Your desire to be free, to know what's out there, who's out there, it's so robust. Just like the trunk that has met the back of my head countless times in my search for a path towards you. When the sky above me spirals into a vortex that's too fuzzy to distinguish, the thoughts I desperately try to force out of my brain comes out through my quivering lips instead.

Why did you leave me? I wander through the empty list of reasons devised by my rotting mind. Is the world out there so inviting? Is it a sacred sanctuary where you can breathe and ride the wind without the fear of falling? Is it more important than being with me? Were you that desperate that you had to go there even if you had to go alone, leaving me behind?

The tears get trapped and I choked on my sobs. The moon shines bloody red as the untold returns to haunt me.

Please find me, Krit.

"How will I have the courage to find you if you didn't have the courage to stay?"

Words that sprouted but never bloomed. Because even if I turn the hands of the clock and change the world, my heart for you won't change. I still believe that you'll come back from your strange journey. That you'll use my tears as your guide. And if you can't come back, I'll go to you.

I'll find you even to the ends of the Earth.