You Are Valid: Genderfluid edition

Figuring it all out

I think the first time I noticed I was a little different was when I first started school. I went to a private school. We had a school uniform which consisted of a powder blue polo or dark blue school pride shirt and navy blue bottoms of our choice. There were a few restrictions such as boys could only wear trousers or shorts and we had to have socks.

I was born female so the trousers/shorts rule didn't really affect me. As a girl I had the option of wearing a skirt, dress, overalls, shorts, or trousers. And while all my female friends choose to wear a skirt or dress, I didn't. Instead I choose to wear my best friends brothers old uniform shorts.

At first it really didn't bother me that I was different. I had more freedom wearing them. I could go on the swings without a teacher telling me not swing so high because I'm showing under my skirt. I could run fast and with more flexibility. And best of all I felt like me.

I remember when my mum bought me my first pair of shorts for school that was just for me. I stood in front of the mirror at the uniform store proudly wearing a pair of brand new navy blue shorts. I remember thinking to my self this is me.

But what really confused my five year old self was that sometimes I wanted to wear a skirt and have ribbons in my hair. I didn't really understand why I felt the way I did. I thought maybe there was something wrong with me.

So I started to change. I put away my shorts and sneakers. And exchanged them for skirts and ribbons. I tried to play with girls my age rather than play with boys. I thought that if I did that I might be 'normal'. Like everyone else.

I didn't fully understand that sometimes I felt male and sometimes I felt female until about third grade. Around that time my dad met my stepmum. She was a little different from my mum. For one thing she really doesn't like kids. Secondly she took me my first pride walk. Which still to this day my dad doesn't know about.

I found out years later from my brother, that she didn't take me to that pride to support the LGBTQ+ community. She was there leading a bunch of stronzi homophobics in protest. But taking me there did it's thing. I discovered a whole new world of possiblity. A chance to discover who I was.

You are valid. Stay gold my star.