Chasing the Sun (COMPLETE)

chapter fifty three

Indigo

     My arms were tired from carrying the endless boxes of clothes down the stairs and I took a moment to place the one I was holding down on the floor. I stopped right in front of Skye's closed door, my eyes drifting up to the brass handle. I ran my tongue over my bottom lip before biting the inside of my cheek, a nervous habit I'd developed years ago. It lead to many chapped lips and buying gobs of chapstick as I always ended up losing every single one.

     "Blue? You got the last box?" Harry yelled from somewhere downstairs. I swallowed, nodding before realizing Harry couldn't see me. I shouted back yes and that I'd just be a second, my eyes never leaving the brass doorknob.

     A large part of me didn't want to open the door, terrified of what exactly I'd find in there. I knew the scene had been cleaned up, Josie's parents taking on the task as my family had been too devastated to ever set foot in the room after my parents had found Skye there. I knew that in the wall directly across from this door, there was a bullet hole that no one had filled in. I knew that Skye's bed was left unmade because, let's face it, he never made it. I knew his school books would be piled beside his desk on the floor, all of them more than likely collecting dust. And I knew, that if I were to walk in that room right now, it would be like he never left, like it was just a pause in time and everything would look the same as it always did.

     But nothing was the same, nothing would ever be the same. I was coming to terms with it after the short time spent here, talking with my parents, with Josie's parents. Everything was going to be fine, we were all going to be alright, even after losing someone we all loved so dearly. This reason, and this reason alone was why a small part of me wanted to leave this house knowing that I was strong enough to open that damn door.

     My hand was shaking as I lifted it from my side and onto the doorknob. I swallowed, holding my breath as I turned it ever so slowly until I heard it unlatch. The sound alone made me jump, squeezing my eyes shut as I pushed the door open. It creaked, the hinges not having been open for months. I kept my eyes closed as I pushed the door as far as it would go, still holding my breath.

     Musty, hot air hit my nostrils, making me scrunch my face in disgust. I let out the breath I'd been holding, my eyes still closed as my heart was practically beating out of its chest. I kept taking in shaky breaths as I took a blind step into the room, shivering at the odd temperature change and my blind fear of what I'd see.

     You've been in this room a million times. It's going to be exactly the same. Nothing has changed because no one has been in here for months. You don't need to be afraid. Skye wouldn't want you to be afraid. He'd think you were brave for even trying.

     With a few more positive thoughts, I slowly opened my eyes to a familiar room. Skye's room was the exact opposite of mine, the walls practically bare besides a few posters I'd hung up for him as a surprise. His bed was unmade, just as I knew it would be. It looked just as it did every day I'd come in here, yelling at Skye we were running late. His desk was a cluttered mess, the stack of school books just where I said they'd be, collecting dust beside his desk. His dresser was messy too, having random socks laying on top and drawers filled to the brim with too many wadded up clothes.

     Everything looked exactly the same except for the hole. It wouldn't stick out to you if you weren't looking for it as it was small. The wall showed no signs of trauma and neither did the floor, both looking the same shades of beige and brown that I'd known my whole life. I took a few more steps into the room, taking in the fact that I was actually here.

     I didn't dare touch anything, terrified of the idea of messing with the feeling of the room. If anything, I thought I'd feel overwhelming sadness or dread but I felt neither of those things. Skye's room radiated with a sense of calmness and light, just as he had. My brows pulled together in confusion as I was fully prepared for the worst.

"Blue, are you-" I turned quickly to see Harry standing in the hallway, eyes wide as he noticed me in Skye's room. The few days we'd been here, he never once asked me a single question about why the door across the hall from mine was closed, why I didn't mention it on the tour, he just knew.

"It's just as he left it. Nothing is out of place- well everything is out of place, but not for Skye. The beds unmade, drawers too full of clothes, and everything sort of a organized mess," Harry just continued to watch me, his eyes full of concern and I could tell he was trying to find the right words to say, "I just wanted to see it, I wanted to know I could come in here and....it's stupid, we can-"

"Don't discredit yourself like that Blue. This was a huge step for you and you did it," He stayed outside of the room, his hands on the either side of the doorframe as he kept his eyes on mine, "How do you feel?"

"I thought I'd feel....well I thought I'd break down the second I stepped into this room. I thought I'd envision things I didn't want to see, I thought....It feels the same but in a very different way, if that even makes sense. It feels like any given moment he'll walk through the doorway even though I know he won't. I don't feel sadness, I don't feel dread, I just feel calm. I feel at peace with the world. Is that what he felt?" The last question was rhetorical and I was glad that Harry didn't try to answer it.

I took one last look around the room, before my eyes met Harry's. He had so many questions swimming within his deep green irises but he just continued to watch me, ready to catch me if I were to fall. A deep breath filled my lungs as I let it out, long and slow, closing my eyes once more.

Coming into this room lifted yet another huge weight off of my chest. I proved to myself that I was strong enough to walk through that doorway without breaking down, not that breaking down would make me weak but a month ago, I wouldn't have been able to do this. Skye would have been so proud of me, that thought bringing a smile to my face.

"Can I have one more minute? I promise I'm okay and I'll meet you downstairs. There's just one last thing I need to do." Harry nodded, telling me he'd be downstairs and that he loved me before picking the box off the floor and hearing his footsteps disappear down the stairs.

I turned back around, my eyes scanning the room once more, this time with a smile on my face. I wasn't going to ever understand what my brother went through, why he did what he did, and I needed to come to terms with that. I can't hold on to anger or to sadness, I can't keep putting the blame on someone when there isn't a single person to blame. My parents have forgiven Skye, forgiven themselves, and I needed to do that too. So, I took one last deep breath, closing my eyes for the final time as I said these words out loud.

"I forgive you, Skye. I love you and I forgive you. I forgive myself but I'll be damned if I don't miss you until the day I die." The last few words brought tears to my eyes as I opened them and walked out of the room, shutting the door behind me.

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BIG chapter but i'm actually crying a little. okay, for real this time, one more chapter that jumps ahead slightly and then an epilogue and we'll be done guys. i have had SO much fun writing this book for y'all, it's been a little out of my comfort zone but that makes it even better because i still managed to write it and i'm super proud of it.

i'm still working hard on the last chapter and the epilogue as i want the ending of this book to be everything you guys want and more so bare with me as the final chapter may not come until next week sometime but i promise it'll be worth it!