Chasing the Sun (COMPLETE)

chapter forty two

*TRIGGER WARNING*

*MENTION OF SUICIDE*

*THIS CHAPTER IS REALLY HEAVY GUYS SO PLEASE BE VERY AWARE OF THE WARNING*

Indigo

My eyes were glued to the sealed letter sitting in my lap. I'd been sitting here for a good thirty minutes, arguing with myself about opening it. Once Josie and I had got back from our ice cream celebration, she got a call from her agent to come in and discuss a new shoot next week. She felt bad about leaving, offering for me to come but I told her I'd call my parents while she was gone.

I did call my parents, telling them I'd be staying in Malibu and that I'd be coming home in a few days to get the rest of my belongings. My mom cried but told me that she figured I'd end up wanting to stay. My dad joked about the two of them moving to California to get a new start too but I could sense a tiny bit of seriousness within his voice as well. I was glad they took the news well considering all that we'd been through. I also promised weekly video calls and to visit as often as I could. They also mentioned me possibly bringing Harry with me when I came home so they could meet them. I told them I'd talk to him about it.

After the call, I found my mind drifting to Skye's letter and what Harry had told me last night. Which leads me to where I am now, staring at the letter, still not sure whether or not to open it. In my dream, Skye had told me that all the answers as to why he did what he did were in this letter and it wasn't like I didn't want to know. I was just worried that within this letter I would either find ways I could have helped him or find out that I couldn't have ever saved him at all.

I knew I'd have to read it some day. I couldn't live with myself knowing that I left this world and didn't read my brothers last words to me. I also couldn't live with constant nightmares and if reading this letter could lead to closure, then maybe that's exactly what I needed to do. I took a deep breath before flipping the envelope over and unfolding the flap.

Shaky hands pulled the folded up letter from the wrinkled envelope, trying my best not to pass out with how erratic my breathing was. I moved slowly, unfolding the lined paper until I could make out my name on the top and Skye's beautiful cursive handwriting scattered along the page. My vision was already blurry as I began reading.

Rainy Days,

I've thought about how to write this letter to you a million times. I've mapped it out in my head only to toss it from my brain because I knew that no matter what I said, it'd never be a good enough answer for you. You never were one for cliche letters anyways.

I want to start out by saying that I'm sorry. I know it's not enough and that what I'm about to do is going to hurt you more than I could imagine. Please know I never wanted that. I never wanted any of this. If I felt as if things would improve or my sadness wouldn't end up drowning me eventually, I wouldn't leave but things are getting too hard.

I owe you an explanation so here goes nothing. I was failing all my classes, every single one of them. I wasn't trying hard enough, most of them I didn't even show up to. I got fired from my job for tardiness and no call no shows. This was long before you knew I wasn't working at the restaurant anymore. Some days I didn't want to get out of bed and others I thought about shoving handfuls of pills down my throat so I could stop the horrible thoughts running through my head. I couldn't tell you when they started or when they got so bad that I couldn't function but they did.

I felt like I was drowning within myself, Rainy. Nothing helped, not alcohol, not the parties, not even the drugs I'd scored off some guy on the street. Nothing made me feel anything. I put on a fake smile because I didn't want you or mom or dad to worry. I didn't know how to ask for help or even where to begin because there wasn't a source for why I felt the way I did. I didn't see another solution.

I know that no matter what I tell you, you're going to blame yourself. You're going to think back to every second we spent together to see if you can catch your mistake but you won't. Because you never made a mistake, Indi. You were the only person in my life that brought me any source of happiness. You were and still are my very best friend and I never meant to hurt you like this.

I called you earlier, because I needed you to know just how much you meant to me. I told you to go to that party so you couldn't stop me because let's face it, if I hadn't done it that night, I would have eventually. And I can't express to you how sorry I am that I'm leaving you.

My suicide is NOT your fault, Indi. You couldn't have stopped me. There were no clues and I never let you see that side of me because I wanted you to remember me at my best. I wanted you to remember me with a smile on my face and pickle pizza in my hand. I wanted you to remember me as a good brother.

Do you remember our last birthday? You failed your first test of that summer class the day before and you were devastated, telling yourself that your life was over because of one failed test. I told you that you were the biggest drama queen on the planet and practically dragged you out of your room and into Poppy so we could spend the day together. We did all the usual things, no matter how much you refused me and ended at the pizza parlor. You picked at the pizza and I was fed up with your shit attitude so when we got back in the car, I wouldn't take you home until you admitted that failing a test wasn't the end of the world and that you are the smartest girl on the planet. You refused for so long so I just kept driving and singing our favorite songs until I FINALLY got you to smile. You said the words and we screamed the lyrics to Killer Queen the whole way home. Despite your shitty mood, that was one of my favorite birthdays spent with you.

So remember me just the way I was that day. Remember me happy. Remember me goofy. Remember me as the life of the party. Remember me as the person who NEVER let you feel bad about yourself. Remember me for the person I was around you because that was the real me.

I will always love you and always be with you. I told Josie to look after you so I hope that whenever you decide to read this that she still is. I'm so thankful that you have her because she too pushes you to be the best version of yourself every day. You were always the best sister to me so please never doubt that. Forgive yourself and live your life for the two of us. I'm counting on you, Indigo.

I love you so much and I am so sorry,

Sunny ❤️

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i promise y'all i was SOBBING while writing this chapter.