Shattered Sunshine

Twitterpated

Ray 

I had felt arousal before. It was a natural reaction of the body and it happened throughout puberty. We had been instructed in various ways of dealing with the issue, whether it be through mental control of our urges or physical stimulation to relief. By ourselves. There had been very strong rules about receiving any form of physical aid from another person that were punishable by immediate elimination if discovered.

Kissing Oscar had felt good. Better than I had thought it would and if I judged purely from his physical reaction, he agreed. I didn't leave because I didn't want it to continue, but merely because I realized how ignorant I was on the matter. Besides, I was perfectly content with what had taken place and felt a strange urge to savour it.

It had been a while since I had needed more than mental discipline to get over the physical reaction of my body, but that night I had found myself thinking about the kiss, tasting him on my lips while I touched myself. I wondered if he were doing the same thing and in the privacy of my own room, I wasn't even embarrassed about the concept.

In fact, it turned me on more.

If I had thought that by indulging my urge to kiss him, I would be satisfied, I was sorely mistaken. I woke up grinning for no reason at all, full of energy despite the less than ideal amount of sleep that night. Despite the twinge of anger I felt at seeing the bruises on Oscar in the light of day, I also began to crave another kiss. So much so that even when I was working on my tasks and he was out of sight, the thought of it distracted me,

Doctor Heffenen found me as I was brushing down Chester before lunch and I sobered when I remembered how the previous day's discussion had gone. "Good morning Ray."

"I was rude yesterday." I murmured, running my hand over Chester's neck and glancing to her. "I'm sorry."

"You were upset, Ray." She watched me for a long moment. "Did you speak with Oscar?"

I didn't understand the look of concern on her features, the assessing look that told me she was being cautious about something. "He dropped off supper. But I didn't talk to him until after he got back."

She frowned, raising one brow curiously. "Were you still angry when you spoke to him?"

"I was angry because he was hurt. He was attacked in the city and bleeding all over the place when he got home." I could feel my temper rising again, even as I spoke, though Chester nudged me and allowed me to remember to take a breath before continuing. "He was jumped by three people, he said Knight Corp managed to scare them off, but I think they need to seriously consider whether or not it was a planned attack. He shouldn't be wandering around alone, not even in New Orleans."

"He was attacked in the city?" She blinked a couple times, glancing back toward the barn, then over to me once more.

I understood her odd behaviour then, ducking my head and flushing in shame. "I... would never have done that. Not to anyone here. Specially not to Oscar. Doctor. I promise. I was angry, at myself. At everything. But... Oscar told me about splitting wood. Before he left, he spoke through the door of my bedroom and told me that I needed to express it, and so I was up chopping wood. I swear I didn't hurt him."

"Oh, Ray, I'm sorry." I could hear the sincerity in her voice, the pain in it. "You don't deserve my judgement and doubt. I jumped to a conclusion. All I knew was that he was beaten up today, and that I had last seen him going to speak with you."

"No. It's ok. I understand... why you're afraid of me." I leaned into Chester, relaxing as the horse gently nuzzled my hip. It didn't anger me that she had thought so, I understood it. I was a Hunter, I was raised and trained to hurt people. I had hurt so many people, I had killed someone incredibly important to me in anger.