When You Least Expect It - 9-1-1 - Evan "Buck" Buckley

Chapter 15

My parents house seemed darker. I always thought of their house as a bright sunny place where sadness wasn't an option but something in the house seemed to shift that day.

My mom retreated to her room to have some time to herself. And by time to herself, that meant that she was in her room crying her eyes out while my dad attempted to comfort her. I sat in the kitchen alone with my tea. I didn't mind it, after breaking the news to my parents about my diagnosis I kind of preferred it.

After telling my parents I called the rest of the family to tell them so now the whole family knew except Gina. I felt like a weight had been lifted but also like I had a new weight to carry. Everyone worrying, babying me and feeling sorry for me. I wasn't sure which weight was worse at this point.

I knew it would be hard but I wasn't expecting a full on breakdown from my mom. I guess I didn't take into account the fact that they had been through the whole cancer situation with one kid already and it hadn't ended the best. I was grateful that, although I knew it was happening, I wasn't present for the total breakdown.

I picked up my phone and texted Gina, hoping she would answer soon.

'I'm in town, can we have lunch or something? I really need to talk to you, I don't know who else I can turn to right now'

Within a few minutes my phone vibrated to alert me of a text.

'Of course sweetheart. Lunch sounds great. I'll meet you at Greg's favorite place at noon?'

I smiled to myself before I typed a confirmation and took a deep breath as I put my phone down.

The closer it got to noon without my parents emerging from the room the quicker I decided I would have lunch with Gina and let them have some time and hopefully things would be better when I got back.

"Mom? Dad?" I called tapping the door to their bedroom. "I'm going for lunch with Gina, I'll be back soon"

Before waiting for an answer I walked out of the house and into my car. I took a deep breath in an attempt to prepare myself for the conversation that was about to come.

When I got to the restaurant, Gina was already there and seated. She greeted me with a smile and a wave. I gave a small smile back as I approached the table.

"I'm sorry if I'm interrupting your day" I stated sliding into the chair across from Gina.

"Not at all honey, I was actually surprised to hear from you, such a great surprise. Is everything ok?" She looked at me suspiciously.

"Well, not really" I breathed.

Right when she was about to say something the waitress came over to take our orders. Once she was gone, Gina looked back up at me with worry on her face.

"So, what's on your mind?" She started slowly.

"When...when my brother found out he had cancer, how did you feel?"

"Heartbroken, crushed, scared" she listed slowly.

"If you weren't married to him already when he was diagnosed, would you have still wanted to be with him even though you knew what was to come?" I asked trying to hold back tears.

"Absolutely, without a doubt in my mind. We were meant to be together, I wasn't going to let anything stop me from being with your brother. We loved each other till the very last day and I still love him today, I wouldn't take that back for anything. Our time was already cut short but I wouldn't give up a second of the time we shared together, even if it was difficult"

He words finally brought the tears out of my eyes. The way she talked about my brother showed how deep their love was and the fact that Buck still wanted to be with me even though he knows it's going to be hard makes me see how much he loves me but who am I to make him go through hell.

"Oh honey, what's going on?" Gina handed me a napkin. "Why are you asking me all this, what's wrong?" She looked at me scared.

I bit my bottom lip and shook my head. I couldn't even bring myself to say the words.

"Oh no...no, sweetheart. You or Evan?" She asked when things finally clicked in her head.

"Me" I choked out. "Ovarian cancer" I wiped my eyes.

"Oh hun" she moved around the table to wrap her arms around me. "I'm so sorry"

While I sat in her arms I told her everything. How I felt about the diagnosis, how I felt about each option I have and how I felt I would be dragging Buck down with me if I stayed and how I loved him way too much to do that to him.

"You know" she pulled away and put her hands on my shoulders. "I'm not trying to sway how you're feeling but I know Evan loves you especially if he's not willing to walk away easily from something like this. And if it means anything at all, I would have been so heartbroken if your brother had done something like that to me that it would have made everything so much harder. Knowing there's someone out there you love with all your heart possibly living on borrowed time and you're not allowed to share that time with them breaks your heart more than anything...especially if you don't know if it's the last little bit of time they have left" she looked at me seriously.

She was right. I hated to admit it but she was right.

"Will you excuse me a moment, I'll be right back" I weakly smiled at her pulling myself to my feet.

"Take all the time you need. I'll be right here" she patted my hand and sat back in her original seat.

I walked outside and sat at one of the tables they had for outside dining. I hovered my fingers over my phone for a few seconds before I hit call.

It only rang once.

"Baby? Is everything ok? Are you ok?" I heard Buck's worried voice. His voice instantly brought tears to my eyes.

"No" I choked out.

"What's wrong baby?"

"I miss you" I finally admitted.

"I miss you so much, please come home" he pleaded.

"I love you so much I don't want you to suffer through whichever decision I make" I sobbed.

"The decision you made to leave is making me suffer more than any other decision you'll make" he took a deep breath. "You love me so much you're trying to protect me from what might happen I understand that, but please understand I love you so much that I'm saying I don't care what happens I want every single minute with you for the rest of our lives... I promise you I will love you till the day I take my last breath regardless of what happens but I know you'll be there with me till the end. I know it, I feel it. Please don't stay away from me only because you're afraid of hurting me, being away from you right now hurts more than anything else in the world. Please come home"

He sounded so small so fragile and so desperate. I wanted nothing more than to go home, to be with him everyday for the rest of our lives and to believe that we'll both make it through this like he says, but every time I look at Gina I remember how broken she was after my brother passed. I didn't want to do that to Buck. But Gina's words about how much it would have hurt her if Greg had done to her what I was doing to Buck really got me.

"Let me have till tomorrow to think about it?" I said through my tears.

"I love you" was his answer.

"I love you too"

I hung up the phone and let tears fall freely again. I thought I had everything figured out, I thought my plan was solid but all the evidence was pointing to that not being the case. I did love Buck with all my heart and I wanted nothing more than to marry him, but none of this was how I pictured it. I wanted to know that he was proposing because he wanted to not because he felt like he had to because of the situation we were put in.

Throughout the rest of lunch, Gina gave me so much to think about. Annabel was right, hearing her side definitely put a lot of things into perspective.

Did I want more than anything to be with Buck? Absolutely. But would I regret it if I was and either one of the worst possible outcomes happened? I still wasn't sure of that answer.