Lucky - Naekusaba

Chapter Two: When I Failed

(A/N: I have no idea how guns work, so most of the terminology in this chapter is just me talking out of my ass. Apologies to anyone reading this who can actually call me out on my bullshit.)

That day was the first time I would ever fail an assassination attempt.

Granted, most of my experience was with combat rather than striking from the shadows. But still, my sharpshooting skills were unparalleled. There should've been no reason for me to miss that day.

Looking at him through the scope, I felt a strange twinge of jealousy. He was laughing, joking around with some friends, looking like he was having the time of his life. I couldn't remember ever feeling like that. But this was no time for self-pity. If I didn't take action now, I never would.

He had just gotten out of a friend's car and was walking towards his house. A younger girl who looked quite similar to him was running toward him. Another twinge of regret for leaving this girl without a brother hit me, but I'd killed plenty of people before, some of them even younger than these two. This time should be no different.

So I readied my shotgun, took aim, and... nothing happened.

I looked at the weapon in a panic. Gun jammed. How? I had made sure to check that it was in working order just a few minutes ago. Trying desperately to stay cool, I got it unstuck and cocked it again. That was embarrassing, but nobody had to know if I could manage to pull it off this time. He was walking into his house. I only had a window of a few seconds to make this work. I took aim, pulled the trigger, and the bullet flew straight toward its target.

In that moment time moved in slow motion. I could see the bullet leave the gun, charging full speed toward the boy's head. I could see it about to make contact... and the next second, I could see the slight gust of wind that knocked it off course and sent it crashing into his porch.

The girl who had been with him screamed. Makoto looked around, shocked, and ran inside his house, yelling for his parents. Meanwhile I was stuck there, petrified, dumbfounded.

I had been doing this for so long. I had sacrificed everything to become the world's greatest soldier, all in the name of despair. So then how had I missed? It was just one shot at a fairly large target at close range. There was absolutely no excuse, no reason for me to fail. So why?

Without thinking about it, I cocked the gun again, doing my best to take aim despite my shaking hand. I didn't know what was wrong with me, but I knew I couldn't fail. Because if I failed, it would mean letting down Junko. It would mean failing a mission. It would mean losing the core of my identity. If I wasn't a perfect soldier, then... what was I?

It was a reckless move, which is probably why I failed again. Or maybe it really was Makoto Naegi's luck. Whatever the case, the bullet I sent flying through the open window of his house missed his head by a full two inches.

No... no way. I stood there, feeling absolute despair. I had failed at the one thing I was supposed to be able to do well. I had screwed up a mission for the first time in my life. Despair washed over me.

Or... did it? Was this despair? Junko always talked about how despair was the greatest feeling there ever was, but I didn't feel great. I felt horrible. I felt like my entire world had just come crashing down around me – appropriately, since it had. This was what despair felt like – the crippling sense of irreversible failure.

That was the first time I ever questioned my sister, even if it was only for a moment. I brushed off the feeling, thinking no, there has to be more to despair than this. Maybe I just wasn't feeling it intensely enough. Maybe there were other elements I hadn't thought about. But no way could Junko be wrong. No matter what the reason was, despair couldn't be this awful sensation.

I had been so fixated on figuring what despair really was that I completely forgot about my botched mission for a second. As a result, I came back to my senses just a second before Makoto looked over in my direction. I barely dodged his gaze in time.

I would go back to Junko. I would apologize for screwing up so colossally. And I would find some answers.