Forever Ruined

Chapter Forty-nine

The moment the door had closed Clara's eyes popped open. She slowly sat up in bed. Why did everything feel so strange? Why did she feel so out of place? She knew where she belonged. She knew it was by Benjamin's side but for some reason, it felt so difficult to talk to him.

Clara worried to discuss her hurt would only injure Benjamin more, and she did not want to cause him pain. He has never lied to her. She knew what she was getting into, taking him as her husband.

Clara began to panic. Could she do this? Could she go back to her old life as if nothing had changed? Could she become simply Mrs. Clara McAllister, knowing now she is capable of so much more? Would Benjamin still love her the same if she were different?

Clara stood up and rummaged through the trunk for her notebook. Her panic became full out fear. It was gone. She tore both cases apart but all her notes about the journey she took to get to India were lost. She sat on the edge of the bed in despair. How could this be? Was it a sign of what was meant to be? Was all that she learned, whom she has become just meant to disappear, never to be seen again?

There was a knock on the door. Clara stood on shaky legs and opened it. "Ah Clara, you are awake. Did you rest well, Dove?" Benjamin inquired taking her hand in his and kissing her cheek.

"Yes, thank you," Clara lied.

Benjamin looked around at the state of the room piles of items were strewn everywhere. "Looking for something?"

Clara looked around uncertain how to explain such a mess. "Um... yes I thought perhaps I would work on Lord Fitton's notes. I promised I would complete them and had trouble finding all the materials."

Benjamin smiled at her. "Surely, that can wait. We haven't even left the docks yet."

Embarrassed for giving such a lame lie to cover the truth, Clara easily conceded, "You are right, of course." And she turned to start putting the piles back in the trunks.

Benjamin frowned with concern. "Clara, are you certain you are well?"

"Yes, of course. Fit as a fiddle," Clara announced as she continued to pack items away making certain particular items were made more readily available.

Benjamin stilled her movements forcing her to look at him. "I thought it would be best if tonight we ate here in our cabin. Tomorrow we have been invited to breakfast with the Captain, Captain McCullen.

"That would be nice," Clara said with a forced smile not sure how she was expected to take this news. "Do you know this Captain?" Clara asked as she went back to packing the items in the trunk.

Benjamin tried to help but stopped after the third time she moved what he put into the trunk to another place. He took a seat and watched her buzz about the room. "Yes, I've known McCullen for quite some time."

Once again Clara was reminded of how much of her husband's life she was not privileged to, as this McCullen was never brought up, not even once in a conversation. "Where from?"

"My days with the Dragoons, but that doesn't matter much. He was honestly the first available to take me to find you. I already knew you were a month ahead of me. The Black Star is a fast ship and I thought it my best option to make up the time."

"It is beautiful ship," Clara said wistfully and then frowned when she'd seen that look on Benjamin's face again, the one that spoke of how she's acting out of character and it's confusing him.

She turned to get back to work hating that feeling of unfamiliarity between them. There was much she was not privileged to know about Benjamin's employment, but she never felt estranged from him before. Not like this.