Shake it off

Regrets collect like old friends

Here to relive your darkest moments

I can see no way, I can see no way

And all of the ghouls come out to play

Years after he became Hokage, he still found himself waking up sweat drenched in the middle of the night. Not because of the fights, the killing, the war. But because he felt strangely terrified to wake up to his old dingy apartment, his abused orange jumpsuit and the tiny pieces of glass and porcelain strewn across his floor like a broken, mocking display of his hopes and dreams. He knew everyone expected him to be happy, to be thankful and forgiving of the people's mistakes, his people's mistakes.

But in his mind, hidden deeper than even the Yondaime's seal, a nagging, ripping feeling reminded him that he wasn't. He wasn't thankful for their harsh words, mocking laughter, glares and harsh beatings. He couldn't forgive them when they followed popular opinion like common sheep. When they brought him to the edge only to pull him back with fake smiles and warm hollow words.

But he learned. That there was no ending, not a happy one anyways. So he played along, smiled for his audience. Echoing like a mockery of real laughter, real smiles. Even when he felt his soul shatter, being eaten alive by his treacherous mind.

And every demon wants his pound of flesh

But I like to keep some things to myself

I like to keep my issues strong

It's always darkest before the dawn

When he was younger, much younger. Too young to know why all the smiles he got were laced with hate and all the eyes on him were filled with disgust. He listened to the Sandaime, his Jiji, tell him about the heroes of old. Mighty warriors and fearless fighters. Believed in them, believed in the Anbu, his heroes, his fearless fighters and mighty warriors. Until that too got taken from him. Shattered like his windows on his birthdays. He was seven when he stopped believing in heroes. But he kept it to himself, with a particularly well-placed smile, just big enough to make the clenching of his eyes seem like happiness instead of despair.

Even then, with his heart filled with tears, and his face painted with lies, he looked for a light, a flame, anything. To maybe, just maybe, make his painted lies into less of a display of what should be and more into what was real.

And I've been a fool and I've been blind

I can never leave the past behind

I can see no way, I can see no way

I'm always dragging that horse around

When he joined team 7, people called him a fool, an idiot that couldn't recognize what was in front of his eyes. Later when Sasuke left the village, trying to cut a thread that was already spread to thin, people called him blind.

Kakashi once told him he wasn't able to see the forest for all the trees. But how could he? How could he, when his forest was made of lonely saplings and burned branches. How could he forget Sasuke, let him leave, when he had so little. When there was so much too loose. So blinded by an overwhelming sense of want. Dragging unfulfilled promises and memories of lost smiles behind him like a suitcase filled with only burden.

Our love is pastured such a mournful sound

Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground