Against the Waves (THE PRESTIGE 1)

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Namilipit ako sa higaan ako. Tinakpan ko ang magkabila kong tenga nang marinig ang ilang pamilyar na boses. Iyong mga boses na paulit ulit kong tinakasan noon. Iyong mga boses na kahit anong gawin ko-saan man ako magpunta, hindi nila ako binibigyan ng pahinga.

No. Not again.

Maayos na ako! Magaling na ako! Natakasan ko na sila! Hindi pwedeng bumagsak lang ako dito ulit pagkatapos ng madugo kong laban noon. Hindi pwede!

Afraid of my own demons, even if I felt so weak, I help myself to divert my thoughts. I went to hospital to visit Nathan. Hindi pwedeng mabakante ang utak ko. Hindi pwedeng maiwan akong mag-isa. I am so afraid. Afraid of my own thoughts. It made my life terrible. It ruined my life. I don't want to happen again.

Maayos na ako. Maayos na ako. Hindi na ako babalik sa mental hospital. Magaling na ako. Magaling na ako.

Iyon ang paulit ulit kong sinasabi sa sarilii ko hanggang sa makarating ako sa hospital.
I composed myself before I wennt inside Nathan's room. Migo and Abes went home and will try to come back if ever they are not busy. Masyado na rin akong nakakaabal sa kanila. They have their own problems and yet I disturbed them. The doctor advised him to rest in the hospital for more days. Nathan chose not to tell his parents about what happened since for sure they will freak out.

"Nathan, they are your family. They deserve to know what happened to you," pagpupumilit ko.

Umiling iling ito at sinubukang umupo. Inalalayan ko naman siya agad.

"I don't want them to get involved. Beside, they thought that I was still in New York."

Nabigla ako doon. "Nagsinungaling ka?"

Ngumiwi siya dahil sa sakit ng kaniyang tagiliran.

"Nathan, we should tell your parents about it! You lied to them!"

"Layana, we're not talking about this, please." He sighed. "How's things going on? Any leads? You said you hired some men to locate Gregorio's family?"

Pinagmasdan ko si Nathan. Maging siya ay iniipit ang sarili sa gulo ng aming pamilya. Ang dami nang nadamay pero hindi pa rin kami matapos tapos. Ang dami nang nagbago pero ako, naiwan na sa nakaraan.. hindi na makausad. Hindi na makaalis. I know what his intentions are...but I'm still not ready for that.

"Nathan, you are my friend," panimula ko. "But this is all too much. You're getting yourself killed. I told you, you should stop here."

He did not speak. Defeat crossed his face. "Layana, hindi naman ako nagmamadali."

Tumango tango ako para ipakita na naiintindihan ko siya. "Nathan, I love you..."

I know where this conversation is going. I know why he is doing this. I know what he wants.

His pained face still looks so hopesul. "I do too."

Umiling ako."But it is not the kind of love that will allow us to gave us a chance."

He proved himself to me that he regret everything he did in the past. Naipit lang din siya. Hindi naging madali sa akin napagkatiwalaan siya. Hindi ko pa man din siya napapatawad nang buo, alam kong kahit papaano, naibigay ko sa kaniya iyong katiting na pag-asa para magsisi sa kasalanan niya.

"Layana...maghihintay naman ako," bulong nito.

I fisted my knuckles.

For everything that is happening right now, this conversation made me more horrible. I don't want to brake his heart but I need to. I can't let people get hurt because of me. Everytime they tried to enter in my life, all I did was to shatter and drown them.