Lost Without You

23. Priorities

*Steve's POV*

About three weeks had passed since people started vanishing. I spent a lot of my time with Y/N. In the past, I know I wasn't always there when she needed me most because of my job, but it was time for that to change. She was my girlfriend now, my top priority. She came before everything. Y/N was going through a lot with the loss of her mom and best friend. I tried my best to cheer her up and be a shoulder for her to cry on, but I knew it wasn't enough. I already had failed her, and there was no way to make up for it. All I could do now was just be there. We mainly stayed at her apartment. I didn't like being at the compound when I didn't need to, and I wanted Y/N to stay where she was comfortable during these difficult times. We weren't officially living together, but we did spend every night together, with her in my arms. Each night as she drifted off to sleep, I still laid awake for hours. I was beyond exhausted, but I hardly ever slept. It wasn't that I was uncomfortable or anything, I just had so much to think about, so much to be guilty for. It weighed on me, leaving my mind to wander to dark places. And when I finally fell asleep, I was almost always awakened by a haunting nightmare. The nightmares weren't new, but they were much more frequent, vivid, and intense. Nevertheless, I kept it to myself. I wasn't going to let any of my flaws, regrets, and memories get in the way of my relationship with Y/N.

"Hey, you never gave me an answer before. Do you like me better with or without the beard?"

"I don't know Steve, I like both. You can't ask me to choose." Personally, I liked the beard, and not shaving was definitely easier. But it reminded me of some of the dark times on the run that I wish I could forget. It was time for the beard to go.

"I think I'm going to shave it today, I can always grow it back if I want to."

"Alright, at least kiss me one last time with it." I leaned in and gave Y/N a passionate kiss, making sure she felt my beard on her cheek. Within a few moments, the kiss grew deeper. I placed my arms around Y/N's waist and brought her closer, only for her to pull away.

"Steve, we have to go. You're already late for work, and so am I."

"Who cares? I know you want to stay."

"I never said I didn't, but I do have to go. We'll continue this later tonight."

"But I won't have the beard!"

"Okay, well that's just another reason you'll have to grow it back sometime." Y/N winked at me and grabbed my hand, dragging me out the door.

"So, what time do you think you'll be home tonight?" Y/N asked.

"Probably around 6. What about you?"

"4:30. Today is my early day." We walked down the stairs, said our goodbyes, and with a quick peck on the lips, we went our separate ways.

The mood around the compound had been dreary, to say the least. Everyone was still processing and coming to terms with the events of the past few weeks. I wasn't really mad at Nat, Bruce, and Rhodey anymore, I was more disappointed. But it didn't compare to the disappointment I felt in myself. The day went by slowly, not much had happened since the snap. We hadn't heard from Carol since her first visit. She had gone in search of Tony, god knows if she would ever find him, or if there was even a him to find. Around 5 o'clock, I resorted to my room. I needed to get some clean clothes to bring to Y/N's, and I had to shave. I took my sweater off so I wouldn't get shaving cream on it. Now in my white tank top, I said goodbye to my beard. It took me about ten minutes to finish. As I stared at reflection in the mirror, I could feel myself start to break down. I don't know why, but taking a long look at myself always seems to force me to confront my issues that I usually suppress. As I felt the tears start to build up, I noticed the mirror shaking. Immediately, I snapped out of it, pulling my sweater on and running to the window. It was Carol...with a spaceship. Had she found Tony? Without thinking, I bolted out the door.

"Guys! Carol is back!" I yelled as everyone got up from their chairs and joined me on my way outside. Coincidentally, Pepper was here today visiting Nat, so she came out with us too.

Carol put the ship down, and the next thing I saw was Tony hobbling down the stairs with a blue girl by his side. I ran to help him; he looked so frail. As much as it pained me to admit, he kind of looked similar to the last time I saw him in Siberia. I never should've left him there like that, but I did, and I couldn't change it now. I don't regret what I did for Bucky, but I could've treated Tony better, and told him the truth about his parents.

"Couldn't stop him."

"Neither could I."

"Hang on." I stopped walking, letting Tony speak and catch his breath.

"I lost the kid." I knew how much Peter meant to Tony, Peter was like a son to him. And I knew exactly how Tony felt since I lost my own kid, he just didn't know it.

"Tony, we lost."

"Is uhh..." Tony started to hyperventilate as he struggled to get his words out. He was about to ask about Pepper, but thankfully she ran over and engulfed him in a hug.

"Oh my god." Pepper kissed him on the cheek and I helped him back inside, straight to his bed. Bruce worked on Tony's medical needs, while I spoke to the blue girl, Nebula. Apparently, she was the daughter of Thanos, but wasn't on his side. She had been on the ship with Tony since the snap. They hadn't eaten or drank in days, and oxygen had been running extremely low. I lost track of time talking with Nebula. I didn't realize that it was almost 7:30, and I told Y/N I'd be home by 6. Realizing this, I said goodnight to everyone, and checked up on Tony one last time before I left for the night.

"How is he?" I asked Pepper who was sitting outside his room.

"He's asleep. Bruce says he'll be fine eventually, it'll just take time for him to heal."

"That's good to hear." Glancing at my watch, I wished Pepper a good night and left the compound. Y/N was my top priority now.

Y/N was not mad about me being late, she completely understood once I told her what happened. We discussed our day over dinner and had a very domestic evening. It was really, really nice. Coming home to Y/N was like the breath of fresh air that I needed at the end of everyday. When I was with her, all of my problems seemed to fade and simply not matter, even though they did. After a pleasant evening, we had a...fun...night, picking up where we left off with the kiss earlier that day. Just like the night before, Y/N fell asleep in my arms and I laid awake. Hours passed, I eventually fell asleep, had a horrible nightmare, and then the sun rose again. Before I knew it, I was back at the compound.

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Idrk what to say about this one