c • r • u • s • h // ryland storms

• d i x i e •

  She took me to bathroom and wrapped my arm. Then we turned back to room, she helped me to tidy up my room.

  We sat on my bed. "I know we are not in good terms but if you wanna talk with me, I'm here." she said holding my hand.

  I really needed someone to talk with about this situation and told to Ryland but he is not here, so I told it to Dixie.

  "That's why you always yell like 'shut up'. The thing you wanna make silence is in your head. And Ryland is not here." she said.

  "Probably he is out there with another girl, having good time, fucking like there is no tomorrow." I said wiping my tears. I get up and took some marijuana with paper, started to roll it up. I handed one to Dixie. "Do you smoke?"

   She took it and we sat in the balcony.

  "So he cheated on you, a few times." she said. I nodded. "Then why you're still with him?"

   I didn't answer for a while. "I love him, even though it hurts, I love him. I know I'm miserable cause everytime I tried to reach him, he broke me but I still needing him. It hurts me, in every breathe I took in."

   She wiped my tears. "Does Addison know about your mental illnesses? Look sweetie, you don't really need Ryland to live. You have friends and an amazing sister. We can help you, then you can get better. Ryland is not the only person in the world, you can find someone new."

   I started to laughing, I guess I'm high. "I know he is not the only person in the world but he is the only person I want."

   We talked till sunrise, I never thought I would talk with her if it's not apocalypse. Life is full of suprises. Sometimes the person you called enemy can more close you than the person you would die for. Love is a good thing if it's reciprocal. Love can lift you up or drag you down. You need to realize what is good for you or not, I never did. That's why I'm hurting. Nothing hurts more than being disappointed by the one person who you thought would never hurt you.

  Then she asked me to if I'm hungry, we went to kitchen and eat something for breakfast.

  I saw Ryland is coming. He came, sat and looked at me. "Are you okay? You look not good."

  I smiled. "I'm okay. Just didn't sleep."

Dixie looked at Ryland. "Motherfucker dickhead." and she left the kitchen.

"What is wrong with her?" asked Ryland.

"She is mad at you cause you cheated on me, again." I said.

"What? No I didn't. Lana, I was in the club with my friends, you know." he said.

I hold his arm. "Don't worry Ryland. I would forgive you anyway. Just be honest with me."

  "You know what? It's the first time I really really realize that you are schizophrenic. You're delusional." he said.

   It hurts me. I wish I never told him about my illness.

   "Don't bring my schizophrenia into this." I said crying.

  "Don't cry Lana, you were the one accused me of being a cheater." he said.