Mr Americano - ALAN RICKMAN fanfic

Chapter 24 - Tarnish Me Not

"Rebecca," she says turning her head to speak to me over her shoulder. "About the other night - I'm soo sorry, I had no idea when I Iet him in that he was your boyfriend. I'm shocked too."

A bolt hits me as sharp as the needle between my lips, which I almost choke on. What! I rise tall to my feet and yank the needle from my lips by the dangling thread.

"Boyfriend? EX boyfriend," I proclaim. "You were the one who let Scott backstage? How? How do you know him?"

I'd been doing so well thus far, but now my heart was hammering in my ribcage.

Holly tells me that she met Scott in a bar one night after a show and he introduced himself and paid for a round of drinks for her and her friends and then the two of them hit it off. She'd been questioned and given a statement to the police earlier today along with security.

A voice bellows over the screams in my mind. "Ten minutes until Showtime!" I somehow continue to lace, my mind as crisscrossed as the ribbon I'm looping.

"We slept together," Holly reveals, "it all happened so fast. We got to know each other, we've been dating for a few weeks... I had no idea he was linked to you until I saw them take him away in handcuffs. He was screaming your name...and now everything makes sense. The woman's things at his apartment, the..."

My breath catches in my chest just listening to her words, but they begin to fade spinning into a dark whirlpool. The air is non-existent, the need to take back control of my breathing is a struggle as every effort draws me closer to the ground, drained of energy.

"Rebecca...Rebecca are you ok?" Holly holds me to her side and amongst the backstage din I hear her call for someone and for Alan.

"Five minutes until Showtime!"

Holly remains with me and leads me to a chair where another cast member thrusts a cold glass of water into my hand.

"She's having a panic attack," Holly informs Alan who is quickly replaces her crouching at my side and presses a hand to my forehead calling after someone else for a damp cloth.

"It's ok darling, take a breath in through your nose, hold it...breath out..." His voice is instantly calming.

Alan squeezes my hand and watches me repeat his instruction until I slowly and gradually regain control over myself. All around me people are rushing; finishing touches are applied to makeup before cast members bustle through to take to the stage. What on hell must people think of me sat here like this. I daren't make eye contact with anyone but Alan, who gently helps me up and takes me further backstage into his dressing room so we can be alone.

As the last of the panic attack washes over me, I'm left feeling cold, my arms and fingers shot with tingles. Alan, who puts jacket round me, asks what happened. I explain the best I can - everything Holly had told me.

"C'mon," he says, grabbing our bags. "Let's go home. You can't stay here like this."

"But the play... They want you out there, and I'm needed backstage too."

"You can't stay here like this," he says ignoring me and gathering our things. "Clearly it was too much too soon. Here..." he holds open my coat to help me on with it.

"Alan, no, I didn't know this would happen. If I hadn't of found out what Holly just told me all would have been well. I'm trying my best." I begin to cry and immediately scold myself for being weak. Alan who sits by my side on the sofa, pulls me close.

"I know you're trying your best darling, but taking some time at home doesn't make you weak. If any bloody thing it makes you strong, being alone with your thoughts, but look at you..." he takes my hands. "You're still shaking. We're going home."