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⭐️SPLINTERED MOON (J)⭐️

Splintered Moon By

Cover & Title:

Your cover reminds me of a horror story. The babies look creepy and I definitely think it's sending incorrect messages about your story to potential readers. The title is nice, I think your cover would benefit from having the moon be a larger part of it.

Summary:

The summary is okay. It feels a bit like a puzzle that readers have to piece together, mostly because it reads a little out of order.

Maya always wants the best for Anaya, but she struggles when she is proposed of the idea of meeting her long-gone children who she misses terribly. She battles between having to stay for young Anaya and wanting to feel happy.

This part is at the very end of your summary when it should be at the beginning. Readers want to know about the character they will be reading about immediately. When I was reading through the summary I was like 'Who's Maya?" It was disorienting. I would get rid of the first part that starts with 'middle-age woman', it feels out of place. I suggest moving the part about Maya first and then follow it with the paragraph about society.

Creativity & Originality:

A plusss! Reading about important topics on a platform like Wattpad known for fanfic and cliches is hard, that's why I'm glad that I was introduced to your story. It's nice, short, and meaningful. <3

Characters:

Because this is a short story you had few words to get readers to know and understand your characters, I think your story could've benefitted from an extra chapter. Mostly because the beginning of the story is at the house gathering and then the other half is crammed with Maya's thoughts on abortion, the Raeya introduction, and then the decision to stay with her children or leave to the other child... it just felt rushed. Especially in the last few paragraphs.

Plot:

Like I stated earlier the pace was faster than I would've liked. I was confused about the ending. She was writing a letter? Also, please introduce Raeya earlier into the story. It will save you from that two-paragraph information spill you had to write about her. Info dumps are never good, they may take the reader out of the story and cause them to skim. We never want the reader to start skimming.

"This thought overtook everything I endorsed."

This sentence is important because readers are trying to figure out if Maya stayed or left, but it's confusing. Firstly, I would pick a better word than endorsed, it just doesn't fit well. Second, readers don't even know what she endorses or supports. I don't recall a moment where Maya is very protective of the children that are still alive. Yes, she does hang with Anaya, but then she lets her son wander off so we don't know much about him and she also leaves Anaya in the house where people are actively making it clear they do not approve her presence. So far these actions aren't attesting to what she might endorse. What are the stakes? If Maya chose to leave then I wouldn't be against it because her character isn't that known. What are her beliefs? Morals?

Grammar:

Overall pretty good grammar. I realized in the first paragraph, the day before the abortion you go in and out of the present and past tense. You write "I want her to know..." When the rest of the paragraph is in the past tense.

Writing:

I like your writing style, it's descriptive and straightforward. I'm all for repetition in writing, it emphasizes a point. However, the "How was I to.." section was a bit tiring after some time, the phrase lost a little bit of its punch. Generally twice is a good amount of times to repeat a word/phrase.

Final thoughts:

Good job, overall I enjoyed the story. Please consider making it a little longer so you can give yourself the proper time to unfold the story you want to tell. While allowing readers to enjoy it at a comfortable pace; the pacing was my number one issue. I liked the subject matter and the informational second chapter you included, I'm really into human rights so this story aligned with my interests. Some moments you wrote were insanely descriptive and I was really pleased, so keep it up! I advise you to read some published short stories if that's what you're into. It will help you understand the technicalities of everything and you will improve. Keep writing! <3

REVIEWED BY FineGlitter