Aftermath

Part 4

"This isn't-"

"Just let me finish!" I snapped, then took a deep breath.

Derek closed his mouth and gazed expectantly at me to continue the story.

"When the door to the OR opened, I heard his voice."

"Whose?"

"The gunman's. Mr. Clark. And I...I got up and ran into the OR."

"Oh, god."

"He was there. He had his gun to Christina's head and was yelling at her to stop fixing you. He said he only came here to kill you, Lexie, and Richard, but she was fixing you."

Suddenly, I wasn't in Derek's hospital room anymore. I was in the OR again, taking in the scene of the gunman and my person and my husband on the table.

"Anytime someone moved, he would point the gun at them. Owen distracted him so they could keep operating. Mr. Clark wouldn't leave until he knew you were...dead." I choked out, reliving the moment as I spoke.

"He was going to shoot Christina, and you would die, and so many more people would have died." I defended myself.

"What did you do?" Derek's voice cut into my memory. 

"I-I told him to shoot me." I shuddered, "I stood there in front of Owen and said that you were my husband, Lexie was my sister and Richard was like a father to me. I said..." I was suddenly aware of my husband's hand on my arm. I was shaking and crying.

"I said if he wanted them to hurt the way he hurt, he should shoot me. Then he pointed the gun at me, and I told Christina to tell you that I was sorry, and I loved you."

"Meredith..."

"But Owen jumped forward, and Clark shot him, and moved back to Christina. I begged him to shoot me again. Everyone operating you started to put their hands up, to stop fixing you. I begged them not to stop, and then you flatlined. Or so I thought. Clark was satisfied with that, so he left. I...I collapsed."

"But how...?"

"Jackson had unplugged the leads on your monitor to make it look like you had died. He plugged them back in as continued to work as soon as Clark was gone. But I..."

"You believed I had actually died." Derek finished for me. 

"I thought you actually died," I sobbed. 

Derek shifting in his bed snapped me out of my memory, and I was quickly aware of how much I was crying. I could feel my heart pounding in my chest. I looked at my husband, trying to read his face and understand what he was thinking. I also wiped my cheeks and tried to breathe a pull myself together, he didn't need to see me like this. 

"A-are you mad?" I asked.

Derek sighed, "You stood in front of a bullet for me. I want to be mad, but I don't think I can."

"Why?"

"Because I would have done the exact same thing,"

I smiled, I hadn't considered that.

"But why didn't you tell me?"

I didn't want to answer that, and I felt another sob rising in my chest. He didn't need to see me crying again. So instead of responding, I stood up. 

"I'm uh, gonna take a shower, I'll send someone in to sit with you." I started to walk out of the room.

Derek was calling me back, but I ignored him and walked out, finding Jackson leaning against a wall, looking guilty.

"Can you go sit with him? I'm getting a shower." I said as I approached.

"You still want me in there?"

"Keep your mouth shut. Do not utter and single word about my miscarriage to him, you hear me?" I stepped closer to him, ordering him in a low and threatening voice.

"I...okay. Yeah, I won't."

"Not a word!" I hissed before walking away, trying to make it to the residents lounge before I broke down.

I pulled open the door and shut it behind me, leaning against it I slowly sunk towards the ground, releasing the sobs I had been holding in for days. 

"Mer?" A soft voice called from across the room. 

Damn it. I thought I was alone.

"Sorry, I'm okay, I just-" I tried to hold back my crying again, but it didn't work.

I looked up, realizing it was Christina. She was changing and had stopped to stare at me. 

I shook my head, knowing I could open up to her. 

"I told him..." I managed. 

She frowned and came over to me, sitting beside me on the floor.

"About the pregnancy and miscarriage?" 

"No, about what happened in his OR. With you and the gunman and Jackson."

Christina was silent. I risked a glance at her and she was staring off. She was reliving  the moments in the OR as well. I wrapped an arm around her and felt her start to cry against me as well. I don't know how long we sat there, sobbing into each other, but I realized I had never made it to the shower and needed to get back to Derek. 

Christina had stopped crying, and we were just sitting in each others arms. We didn't need to say anything, just the comfort of knowing the other one of us was there was enough. 

"We're pretty emotionally wrecked." I said.

Christina burst out laughing. "Traumatized," she corrected. 

I laughed too and we sat there laughing for a good minute. I realized that was the first time I had laughed since before the shooting. 

"I told Derek I was getting a shower, but I didn't," I said, trying to stand up.

"Change your clothes, wash your face and brush your hair." Christin suggested, also standing up.

"You should too." 

Christina smiled and we both finished changing, then headed into the bathroom. I brushed my teeth and splashed cold water on my face. My eyes were puffy and red. I had obviously been crying, I couldn't go see Derek again like this. 

"How's Owen?" I asked Christina as I worked on my hair.

"He's still running around trying to do everything as if he wasn't shot." Christina sighed, sounding annoyed. "Is Lexie still sleeping?"

"Yeah, Mark has been with her a lot. Do you know when Alex gets here?"

"In an hour." 

I nodded. I could go see Alex in an hour. "Have you eaten?"

Christina was quiet for a minute, "Not much." She admitted.

"Me neither. But I can't go back to Derek with my face like this. You want to get something to eat?"

"Okay."