Cry Until You Bleed

44- Trouble

“Hello, Dr. Lombardi,” I greet her as she’s sitting in the chair across from mine, which is where she’s always sitting when I come in.

She looks up at me from her notepad and sends me an unsettling frown. Any little glimpse of hope that maybe Shayla hadn’t told on me is completely out the window now because I can tell by the look that she’s giving me right now that she knows. That, or she drank some bad milk earlier. “Hi, Ana. Have a seat.”

I quickly sit down where I always sit and just look up at her, waiting for her to be the first one to speak today because I don’t know what I can say. I feel like I’m about to get reprimanded by my parent or something.

“So I think that you already know what I’m going to bring up,” She finally speaks.

“I have a fairly good idea,” I mumble with a small nod. “So let’s just get this over with.”

“I’m revoking visitation rights for Niles to see you,” Dr. Lombardi tells me quickly, as if she’s ripping off a Band-Aid, with an apologetic expression on her face. “Unless you can tell me that I have been misinformed and that you have not crossed the platonic line with Niles. Can you tell me that?”

I honestly do think about just lying and telling her that Shayla just made it up because she’s just always hated me for no reason and she’d just love to get me in trouble. That’d be so much easier than the truth because then I’d go on and get to see Niles still and we’d be able to go on that date that we’d talked about yesterday. But then I remember that I’m trying my best to not lie about things anymore. It might be easier for me but what if Shayla then got in trouble for lying? Sure, I would love to see somebody push her down a peg or two but she doesn’t deserve to get yelled at for something that she didn’t do. Just a little lie could spiral out of control and I can’t handle that right now. Biting my lips together, I just look up at the ceiling and shake my head. “No, I can’t.”

“Okay then,” She sighs. “I’m really sorry, Ana.”

“It’s not your fault,” I choke out, trying my best not to look too upset. Most of the time, I’m a good liar- a good actress- but right now, I’m finding it really hard to keep myself from crying. Which is something that I rarely ever do. “I knew the rules.”

“I just hope that you don’t think that I’m doing this to punish you,” She continues to explain. “I really want you to be happy, Ana, that’s why I agreed to your relationship with Niles in the first place but when it crosses the line from platonic to romantic, I’m afraid that it can get too intense and too emotional for you at this stage in your recovery.”

“I get it,” I say quietly, wishing that I could say something- anything- to make her change her mind, but I know that there’s nothing. She’s doing this because she thinks that he’ll destroy me and I know that she’s wrong but I won’t be able to convince her of that. She’s just doing what she thinks is best for me and I have to respect that. “I’m sorry too. I know that I kind of broke your trust or something by kissing him. But I don’t regret it. I love him. I’m not sure if I love him as a friend or as more than that but I do. And I really liked kissing him. You will do what you have to do and I respect that but nothing that you do or that anybody else does will ever make me stop loving him.”

“Well, you will still be able to talk to him over the phone if you wish,” She adds as an optimistic bright side to this whole thing. “Anyway, do you want to continue to talk about Niles or do you want to talk about something else?”

“Will you let me see him again later?” I ask her curiously. “Like, in a month or two months or anything?”

She shrugs. “I’m not sure yet but I don’t think so, Ana. Like I said, this isn’t a punishment, this is just to protect you from a rather raw emotional experience that I don’t believe that you’re ready to handle right now. Perhaps, if I believe that you’re ready for that type of emotional commitment then I will allow you to see him again but not as frequently as you do now and do not get your hopes up because that might not even be possible until your release.”