Pop Goes the Culture

(MUSIC UP, THEN FADE AS HOST BEGINS TALKING)

"Hello, I'm Don Larkin. Welcome to another segment of Antiquities Roadhouse. This week we're in St. Louis where our expert appraisers are looking at some very interesting artifacts. Let's see what they've found."

(CUT TO FIRST APPRAISAL)

"So, tell us what you've brought to the Roadhouse today."

"I got a little old oil painting that I inherited from my mother's granddad. Her family was from Holland...that's in Europe."

(CU OF OIL PAINTING)

"I know where Europe is and--my, that is a very interesting piece! Tell us what you know about it."

"Well, me and the missus don't know from squat. We spend all our time workin' the farm and can barely keep it from foreclosure."

"So, I guess you're interested in seeing how much the painting would bring at auction."

"Auction, flea market, swap—whatever gives us a payday. Anyhow, my momma's family was really rich at one time. Her great grandpappy had been one of the trustees at some big Dutch museum."

"That may explain why you, a lowly commoner, are in possession of this...this...object of exquisite beauty. This is a small, original Rembrandt...here's his signature 'R' that he worked into the background. It's in every authentic work by the master!"

(ECU OF MARK)

(CUT TO CU OF MAN'S FACE)

"Well, I'll be."

(MED SHOT OF MAN AND APPRAISER)

"I'm quite astonished to see this painting. I'm an expert on Rembrandt and am very familiar with every one of his works. This is a heretofore unknown masterpiece that rivals his best work."

"It's pretty good, huh?"

"Good? Jesus, man, this is like finding the Mona Lisa behind your medicine chest. Excuse me while I sit down for a moment...I'm feeling a little woozy."

(CUT TO MAN)

"We got some repairs to do on the chicken house...you think it's worth enough to cover that?"

(CUT TO APPRAISER WITH HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS)

"Forty years in this business and do I ever make a discovery like this? Not on your life!"

"Look, Mac, it is a small painting, and small paintings don't do as good as larger paintings. But this is a Rembrandt, for Chrissakes. Even at the worst auction in the sleaziest Podunk town in America this painting would bring between thirty thousand and forty thousand dollars!"

(CU OF MAN)

"Where is this Podunk auction?"

"No, that's just an expression. I mean that no matter where you sell it, you're gonna cash in."

"Wait'll I tell the missus. Howdy."

(CU OF APPRAISER SHAKING HEAD)

"These rubes...lucky, fucking rubes..."

(CUT TO NEXT APPRAISAL)

"Wow! When you walked in with this, I almost shit myself. Do you have any idea what this is?"

(CUT TO MAN)

"Well...I think it has something to do with Nascar."

(MED SHOT OF MAN AND APPRAISER)