Good Boy Gone Bad

Chapter Four | Insecurities are harmful

[ c h a p t e r  f o u r ]
4 — insecurities are harmful

ZARA
perspective

HAS A PERSON EVER felt so insecure in their life? The type of insecurity where they wished they vanished into thin air, hoping to remove their existence from the mind of others. The idea of just existing and knowing that people have different versions of you in their mind feels horrible.

All my life I wondered what I did to deserve chaos in my life. Do good to receive good back, Carter why would you tell such a beautiful lie? Even he couldn't survive the consequences of being good, how could I possibly dream to live a good life with good morals?

I'm in a recurring nightmare called reality, hopelessly waiting for an epiphany, only to be slapped in the face with the grimy truth behind existing. At times I wonder, how do I survive? I don't have friends that I would spend all of eternity with. Neither do I have a family to trust wholeheartedly.

The stares in the classroom haunted me, destroying every inch of sanity left in my mind. People love to talk, they love to judge and pretend they enjoy your presence; when in reality they despise who you are. I hated it, the idea of feeling judged for every action I do. Thoughts constantly spiralling about how people view me; it was a dangerous habit of mine to overthink.

"Are you alright?" Lisa says beside me. She elbows me lightly, the sensation of pain runs wild in my body. Emotionally I couldn't handle the stress of being her friend but physically I need to be with her to survive in this school. Maybe it was wrong to stick with someone who hurts you but after being their friend for so long, you begin to seek validation from them, you seem to need them.

I nod my head. Exhaustion runs deep in my heart. I felt as if I didn't belong in this school, but in order to survive, I have to go with the act. People in this school will rip you to shreds for having an identity, you're better off being like every other person instead of being yourself.

"Well now that you're finally awake, let me explain to you the amazing idea I have for my eighteenth birthday!" Lisa says cheerfully, her eyes glued to the mobile device in front of her. Of course, the world revolves around her, she's the main character. And me? I'm just a side character who sticks beside her.

"Is it going to be another cliche high school party?" I question, not in the mood for a party; especially a tragic high school party filled with underaged drunken kids and avid drug users.

Lisa shakes her head before pushing her phone forward. I scan the image in front of me, it was an idea of a masquerade party. Lisa wants a masquerade party? That seems a little modest for someone like Lisa who seems to have a uncanny fetish for an event like Coachella.