Retribution ★ Avengers

It's Only Me, Buck

"And she's pregnant..." Bucky chuckled quietly to himself and shook his head. He wiped his face again, not even bothering to wait on a response from Steve before speaking again. "Who started the relationship?"

And that was the question Steve knew Bucky was afraid to ask. He was afraid of the answer, but Steve couldn't lie to him. "It was Marlena," Steve answered with a sigh. Bucky simply looked down to the ground in response. That was the answer he was afraid of receiving.

"So, she, um..." Bucky couldn't even get the words out. He felt sick to his stomach. So sick.

"Look, Buck," Steve started, turning a bit more towards Bucky. He wanted him to listen. He wanted him to know he was there to let him know whatever he wanted to know. He was there to answer his questions. Steve was there just to be there for him. "I need you to know it took years for things to get to this point. This isn't something that happened just because you were gone..."

"Then what is it, Steve?" Bucky asked him. He was genuinely curious, but he also needed a much more logical explanation than the one he made up in his head. Of course it would hurt to hear, but Bucky needed the truth. He needed the whole truth.

"It's a bit more complicated to explain than that," Steve replied as he thought back on the last five years he spent with Marlena. He remembered every moment and every tear, including those he didn't want to. They'd been through hell together, but through it all they had each other. That was what Steve cherished.

"Try please," Bucky urged quietly. He still didn't look up at his friend.

"Marlena came to stay with me about a month after we lost you," Steve began his attempt at an explanation of how his relationship with Marlena finally came to be. "She didn't have anywhere else she wanted to go, and I really just couldn't stand the idea of leaving her to grieve alone. It was only meant to be temporary until she felt comfortable being on her own again, but that time never came."

"So...you two have been living together this entire time?"

Steve nodded his head in response and let out a quiet breath. Talking to Bucky about him and Marlena was much harder than he thought it would be. "Believe me, it was no vacation, Buck. I've never seen Marlena as lost as she was after we lost you. She wasn't herself for years. It took me a year and a half just to convince her to go grocery shopping with me. She also suffered with a lot of survivor's guilt on top of everything else. She didn't celebrate birthdays or holidays because she thought the world would punish her for having fun without you. She constantly blamed herself for your death and sometimes even I couldn't convince her otherwise. I look back on it now and feel relieved that you never had to see her like that, and I hope you never have to see it at all."

Bucky wiped his face again. Knowing Marlena had been so distraught after his death and the death of her entire family didn't help Bucky feel better. He remembered watching her grieve after her mother was killed. He'd never seen her so torn until then, so to hear Steve speak on the Marlena that existed over the last five years was nothing short of unsettling. He couldn't even imagine the pain she must've experienced. What made matters worse was that he couldn't be there to take that pain away from her. "You obviously helped her get through it, though," Bucky remarked quietly in response to Steve's words.

"I did what I could to help encourage and support her, but I won't take credit for where she is now, emotionally, at least," Steve told him. "She's one of the strongest people I've ever met. She's gotten through so much, so I knew she'd be able to get through it on her own, but I still made sure she didn't have to."

"So, you really haven't thought about the possibility of what your encouragement and support could've done to influence her feelings for you?" Bucky asked Steve. At this point he was grasping for anything—any chance, really—that would lead Marlena back to him. He wasn't so sure he'd get it, though.