American Assassins

Chapter 39: Kimberley

                I look up at him and nod.  But he still sees that I’m having trouble comprehending what he just explained, so he hugs me.  I hug him back still feeling guilty for what happened.  His arms are strong, and his warm embrace calms me a bit.  But he still doesn’t understand. 

                I squeeze him tighter, “You still don’t get it.”  I say.  “It’s not why I killed the man, it’s how.  I-I felt a surge of . . . relief you could put it.  It almost felt . . . fun fighting him.”  I pause as Blake gently pries me off him.  I look up at him with sullen, red eyes.  He stares down at me with a confusion. I sniffle once, “It felt fun using my training skills for real.  Then when I looked down at him as he was choking to death, at the last breath I realized why I was killing him and what I was doing.  But it was too late.  He then died.”  I stop for a minute taking in a breath.  Blake watches me carefully.  “I hate myself for it, but I couldn’t help it.  I did have fun fighting him, until the last part where he died.  That’s when I realized what I’ve become.  A monster.”

                “You’re not a monster!”  Blake shouts.  I flinch a little.  “That’s just what you’ve known how to do for your whole life.  And you’re good at fighting, so you’ve grown a specific like for it.  We all have.”

                “You like fighting?”  I ask in shock.  I never pictured Blake, or anyone liking fighting.  I always thought they just were forced to do it.  But aren’t we all?

                “Of course we have a passion for fighting, but something’s need to be restrained.  You have to decide for yourself if the person you are fighting is bad enough to kill or not.  Like that man I almost killed that one year.  I decided he didn’t have to die and called the police instead.  You only kill people in self-defense or if they are truly hurting other people.  But you need to be cautious.”  He pauses making sure I got all it. 

                I open my mouth to speak but no words come out.  Blake puts the hand on my shoulder again.  “You are not a bad person, but next time think about what you’re doing, okay?  I know what’s it’s like to get wound up in fighting someone, it’s hard to think of anything else but killing them.  So, next time just stop for a second, think, and then decide whether to kill them or not.”

                I feel my tears stop a bit.  I smile up at him.  “When did my cousin become so wise?” 

                He smiles back down at me.  “When the same problem happened to him a few years ago.  Jason gave me that speech.  It helped.”

                We stand there looking at each other, then hug again.  I clutch him close not wanting to let go of the protection of my cousin.  I know I can’t make this journey across the whole country without all five of them.  And if anyone should die on this trip, it will be me.

                Walking for about two more days in Indiana was quick.  Around 1823 hours, on the second day, is when we finally reached Illinois.  Once we cross the border I feel all the pain rush inside me.  I look around at my old state.  It has been six years since I visited this state.  As far as I can tell right now, nothing has changed dramatically.  But the rumors of Chicago that Razor told us back at the bar still linger.  She could be right.  I haven’t checked the local news in a while.