Cry Until You Bleed

30- Fighting

“No, it’s too risky,” He tells me. “Call it off, Ana.”

“No.”

“No?”

“No. Absolutely not.”

“Why not?”

“Because I like him. He’s an awesome friend to have and I like hanging out with him and he makes me smile. I mean, it’s not just him obviously but Dr. Lombardi thinks that he’s good for me.”

“No guy is good for you,” Penn sighs.

“You only think that because you’re my brother,” I mumble. “But maybe if you meet him, you’ll like him more.”

“If I meet him? Ana, if I ever meet this guy, I’ll knock is fucking teeth out for messing with you.”

“Messing with me?” I echo in confusion. “What does that mean? He’s not ‘messing with me’. All he did was teach me to ice skate and then we hung out at this park. Hanging out with him makes me happy so why can’t you just let it go and deal with it?”

“Because I’m your brother and I’m supposed to protect you,” He tells me.

“Has it ever occurred to you that I spend more time protecting you than you do protecting me?” I ask him irritably.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean that ever since the incident, the only reason that I’ve been pushing through this- the only reason that I’d been living- was for you and Dad and Peter because I knew that if I died, it’d hurt you so bad and I didn’t want to do that. I still don’t want to do that. But that was my only reason for living. Everything that I’ve done for the past three years- every step that I take, every breath that I breathe, every twitch of my finger- was to make sure that you and everybody else wouldn’t worry about me. I didn’t go to prom or stay up too late at night or sleep too late in the mornings. I ate healthy meals. Even if I was dying inside, I would always smile. It was my only purpose to make sure that no matter how I felt- no matter what I wanted to do- I would do whatever it was that you wanted. So that you wouldn’t worry. But now, I’m finding more reasons to live and isn’t that so great? I’m not only alive to keep you functioning. I’m alive because I want to learn how to ice skate and eat more macaroni pizza and I want to help Renée get better.

“Now, brother, I know that I don’t ever pull the ‘I’m eighteen’ card but I’m pulling it right now. I’m eighteen. You can’t tell me what to do and neither can Mom or Dad or Peter. Not from way over there in California. And so I’m going to be friends with Niles whether you like it or not, I’d just prefer it if you were okay with it but it’s not necessary. I’ve lived for so long like an empty shell, just doing what was expected of me. But I can see things now that I could never see before and that’s a light at the end of the tunnel. And at the end of this tunnel, I can go bungee jumping and sky diving and go to hockey games and live my life again.”

“Now you’re making me feel bad,” He sighs softly, not sounding nearly as angry as he did before.

“You should feel bad,” I snap at him. “Because it’s really selfish of you to expect me to stop being friends with somebody as awesome as Niles just because you don’t like it.”

“But what if he hurts you? What are you going to do then?”

“If he hurts me? Penn, I think I’ve been through worse things, alright? I already hurt.”

“I just don’t like this at all,” He mumbles.

“You don’t have to like it,” I say back. “I’d like it if you could accept it but like I said, it isn’t necessary. I understand if you want to be all protective and whatever but it’s not like I’m marrying the guy, we’re just friends.”