Cry Until You Bleed

6- Honesty Circle

“It’s important to maintain a strong relationship with your parents, even though they might have a hard time understanding what you’re going through,” Jake tells us. “Sit down and have a conversation with them. Let them know how you feel about their behavior. You should feel comfortable expressing yourself with your parents and the people that are close to you.”

I purse my lips and look down at my lap, which apparently, is an indication that I have something to say (which I don’t).

“Ana, do you want to tell us about your family?”

I shrug and then shake my head. “No, not really.”

“Do you know what the meaning of honesty circle is?” The girl from before asks me with narrowed eyes.

I nod and look back at her, making sure that she knows that she can’t intimidate me like I think that she wants to. “Yes, I do. We are in the shape of a circle and we are being honest. I didn’t say anything that wasn’t honest. I do not want to talk about my family. That isn’t a lie.”

“There’s no need to feel defensive here,” Jake speaks calmly. “This is an open environment, Shayla, and I’m sure that Ana will share with us when she feels like it’s time.”

I don’t open my mouth to let him know that it will never be time. My business isn’t any of their business and it never will be and I don’t think that I’ll ever be changing my mind on that subject. I just keep my mouth shut, though, and let Jake change the conversation to something about how to deal with stress. I listen, trying my best not to zone him out, but I try to make as little movement as possible so that I don’t attract his attention again because I don’t want him to ask me to open up again.

Johnny speaks beside me about how he has a stress ball on his desk that he uses whenever he feels stressed out and he says some other stuff but we don’t really talk to each other at all because one of the rules of the circle is that we have to pay attention to the person talking to the group, which means that we can’t be talking to our friends or doing anything else.

Needless to say, I hate honesty circle and when it’s over, I’m one of the first people out of my chair, making a bee line towards the exit with Johnny by my side.

“It really isn’t that bad. You’ll get used to it,” He assures me, apparently noticing that I didn’t have the best time in the honesty circle.

I roll my eyes. “I don’t think that I’ll get used to it. I don’t want to tell other people about my problems and I don’t want to hear about other people’s problems either. It’s so uncomfortable to me,” I explain to him with a small shrug. “I don’t know, I guess I’m just a private person or something.”

“Yeah, I’ve noticed,” He chuckles. “Really though, I hated it at first but I got used to it after a while.”

“How long have you been here?” I wonder curiously as we’re walking towards the common area, which is where a lot of people are going right now since all of the honesty circles have just ended. It’s really nice out today though, so a lot of people are going outside too. I still have that stupid plastic band on my wrist though, so I’m not allowed to go outside yet.

“Oh, so I’m not allowed to know anything about you but you’re allowed to ask about me?” He wonders with raised eyebrows.

“Fair enough,” I agree. “I’ve been here for about five days now. Your turn.”

He rolls his eyes at me, which I pretend to ignore, and then as we’re sitting down at one of the four-person tables, he answers with, “A little over a year.”

“Do you think that you could get out anytime soon?” I ask him, being careful to not ask him the big question that is always floating in the air whenever I talk to anybody here. The ‘why are you even in here in the first place?’ question. I refuse to ask anybody that question because I don’t want them to ask me in return and expect a long drawn out answer with every detail ever about how I ended up here at this rehab center.